The hard truth…

Hello  Team,

On this early morning, I find myself looking into the hourglass of time.  Old age is what it is that I speak. If you are lucky enough to live into your 70’s, 80’s or even 90’s you should count yourself lucky right?

We move through life with an expiration date that is on each one of us. The date is unreadable and nonnegotiable. We come into this world knowing that at some point we will leave it. Some of us are lucky enough to have a life filled with family, children, grandchildren. Lifelong friends who become closer than family. Some of us are lucky to have a life of good health, wealth and carefree adventures. Others, find it a daily struggle to put food on the table, provide a little holiday cheer, or simply go a few weeks without a trip to the hospital or doctor.

We find the love of our life and marry them. Taking vowels of sickness and health, richer or poor, til death does us part. Those words are tested many times over and over throughout your lifetime and marriage. Did you ever stop to think what happens when your unable to care for yourself because your mind has betrayed you? What will you do when your unable to care for your spouse of 40 years, because she wanders at night? You have never spent a night apart and now you are faced with a very tough choice to make.  The day you wake and just know you can no longer, do for him, as he has cared for you over the years. Your heart breaks as you take him to his new room. You see the fear in his eyes… You see the tears as they roll down her face when it’s time to go and she does not understand.

You know in your heart that this is the best thing. You know that no matter how much they cry and want to simply “go home” that home is no longer safe. You hold his hand as you visit each day. Getting to know that staff who have now become is everyday family. You sit and see him slowly slipping away, each time just a little further from you into the unknown. You notice that she does not recognize you as she did just two days go, calling you the name of her long since deceased brother. You will dread calling to check on him and the staff telling you, “today has not been a good day”.

You will learn to cherish the moments that she is in the here and now. The ever so brief recognition, that you are her child. You record the moment with a quick snapshot of the big smile on his face because he remembered you don’t like red jello but offers it to you anyhow. You will learn to cherish the days that you come to visit and you hear the staff say “today is a good day, she ate all her food.” You will look through photo books, wishing you had written the names, dates, and story’s down that you had heard so many time.  You will find yourself recalling the same stories over and over to the younger generations so they will be remembered.

As a woman who has no children, I often wonder who will care for me, as my hair turns gray (more than it is now..) Who will make sure that my stories will be remembered. Who will the hospital call when it’s time for the family to come? Who will come for me to hold my hand and tell me its ok to go…

I have been in that same situation a few too many times. Holding the hand of a grandfather, thanking him for welcoming me to his family with open arms. I have said goodbye to aunts and uncles, friends and loved ones.

I have stood, alone in the funeral home next to the casket and said my final goodbyes.

The hard truth is who will stand at my casket?

New beginings

Sometimes in life you need to figure out how to begin again.

As a child you wish nothing more than to grow up as fast as you can. As a teenager you wish nothing more than to want to be an adult. When you are an adult you wish nothing more than to want to go back, and do it over. Take the knowledge that you now have and do it all over again.

As an adult you are constantly starting over, it could be a new job, new state, new marriage, new family. Sometimes you choose to start over and sometimes you don’t. The thing you have to keep telling yourself is sometimes new beginnings are just what you need to grow.

 

Why did you go?

Why did you leave us?

Why did you go? It’s been too many years since you decided without anyone’s permission to leave. That was the way you lived life, so I can see it. You lived life on your terms, so when it was time for you to go, you left on your terms.

Life had taken an unfair turn in the road for our little group of misfits, we called a family. I know that you can not always foresee those things happening, but the heartache that is left behind was devastating. We did not rally around each other, instead we lost each other. Many years of anger, resentment and heartache took its toll on the fragile bond that was left, ultimately tearing it so far apart that it was never truly mended.

You left us. You decided on your own that we did not need you anymore. You left questions unanswered. You left hearts broken. You left those who needed you the most.

I remember like it was yesterday, the night I got the call. Shock, pain, and a hole that has never been filled in my heart. I remember telling Steve, the pain, disbelief and hurt that was on his face. Seeing you days later laying the stillest you had ever been. I stood as tears rolled down my cheek, reaching down taking your hand.    

Your voice in my ear, I will carry you with me until we meet again… ❤

What you really learn in Nursing School

human legs with running shoes on running up steps with words: "I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday"
I can finally see the finish line. The end is near, I am in my last 4 mile stretch…

 

I am not done fighting. I until the last points are handed out… My journey has been filled with delays, roadblocks, success and tears. I have wanted to give up so many times. It was the love, support and encouragement from all of you who are on my team that has kept me going…

Along the way I have made some incredible friendships. I used to hear nursing students before me say “its the hardest thing you will ever do”. “I can’t talk about school… don’t ask. (as tears would form..) “I am sick all the time, I have gained more weight than ever in my life” I can’t eat a thing, I have lost so much weight from stress”.  All the statements’ are true. Those who are answer the calling to become a nurse are among the bravest and strongest souls I have even met. We may not run into the burning building, but we are standing along side of it with the bandages, to care for you. We may not run into the firefight, but we are there with the IV fluids, and gauze to stop the bleeding. We may not protect and serve, but we are there to hold your hand as your take your last breath ensuring you are not alone. In the end, I always hear this:

“It’s all worth it. You will have days you hate it, then you will get up for the next shift and you will make a difference in a persons life, and you will love it all over again…” RN, 33 years.

 

“When you get to the other side, you will see how fast it went..” RN, 5 years

 

“The time, money, tears, and stress…worth every bit of the struggle. It has made me the Nurse I am today.  I would do it all over again..” RN, 20 years

 

I have also seen some of the most determined people do some amazing things. Nursing students never give up. We may fail. We may repeat. We never give up. We find the plan B, C, D, E, F… until we achieve our goal. When we do fail, after the initial shock and overwhelming heartache has passed. We refocus our goals, and figure out what is next for us on our life journey.

I also have learned one great thing about nursing school. You are connected to strangers who become family. You are put on the path with another person who will change your life as much as you will change their life.  I just said this today to someone who crossed my path, who is family for more than one reason. I am thankful for the friendships that I have made. You learn very quickly when you are a Nursing student. Each day you attend a lecture, or walk into your clinical site. The person at your left, and your right may not be there the next time you go. But the friendship you form will last a life time, no matter what you will always stand by that person and they will stand by you.

“People are put on our path of life for a reason…I am glad that our paths crossed. They will continue to cross. Friendships make the beautiful Technicolor quilts of life” Future Nurse

 

Have a beautiful day…Be kind to yourself and each other…

 

Being happy is a good thing…. :)

Hello Team!!!

 

Thank You

Veterans!!!

Raising of the American Flag Iwo Jima

Your service means a lot to me!! I appreciate the sacrifice you and your family made to help keep our country a little safer!!


To those who have served and to those who choose to serve in the future.     Thank you!

I believe that serving your country is a calling. At some point in your life you feel that calling, it could have happened after a tragedy. May be the draft called you. The point is that you answered that call and sore and oath to protect our great country. I am very proud to be an American! I am proud to say thank you to those who served. I have spoken to members from WWI, WWII, Korean War, Vietnam, Gulf War, Afghanistan, and Iraqi war through current deployments. I have listen to history first hand from a gentleman who was a Tuskegee Airmen. I have held the hand of a Vietnam veteran who suffer sever shell shock (PTSD- as we call it now..) after a fire alarms put into extreme fear. I have witnessed first hand the what the family of solders go through, when they are getting ready for deployment, not knowing if their Solder will come home. I have seen the excitement when they finally get to say, “My Solder is HOME”. War is not a movie, or a TV show. It’s real, full of death, heartache, sacrifice, courage and fear. I have attended funerals and listened to taps being played, and
collected the shell casing from the 21-gun solute to honor the fallen.

 

Honoring the armed forces silhouettes with american flag and the seals of each branch of service

 

Veterans day and Memorial Day two different days honoring two types of solders, but the biggest picture is that, it is not about the sales, or the day off from school. It is about honoring those who have served.
Today, I honor those who have served that on the home front, and over seas.  
Stay Safe; Thank You for answering the call.

From Land, Air, Sea. I solute you!

Well this will be a short check in today! I have had a great morning so far… I am feeling extra positive today. It has been a whirlwind of a semester to date. I have meet some great life long friends and been able to reconnect with older ones. I have put my best foot forward, and like always I am not willing to give up just yet…
You have to believe in yourself to be the person you want to be. I also know that when your confidence is shaken, the best way to get it back is take a step back and re-examine some of what you have been through, what you have over come. You sometimes need to be reminded why you are doing something, and it really is worth it on the other end. I am so close; I am digging deep inside and pulling from my strength reserve to keep going. I will not give up. I will prove not only to myself but also to the world that I deserve this and I will be an amazing RN! I will pledge to be the voice they cannot be. I was born to do this, and I will do this…

American flag with sun shining through the blue/stars

 

Have a super fantastic day!!

Be Kind to yourself and each other…

 

Maryland flag Black and gold with red and white

Monster within…

To say that this term has been a struggle, is an understatement. Well, for me to say that would not be 100% fair.  I have been lucky enough to join an amazing group of future nurses. I was welcomed with complete open arms and hearts. I could not ask for a better group of graduates to join. I have been battling my own inner monster within the past 9 weeks.

In my life I have never had an easy path to walk. My journey has been filled with mountains, hills, deep valleys, rivers and puddles.  I have enjoyed time in the sunlight and just barely made it through the thunderstorms. I always find a way to overcome. I may not always look so good when I come out on the other end, but I always find a way. I am encouraged, loved and supported by so many people. My past, present and future seems to be riding on the next 41 days and because of that the monster has awoken from its slumber.

I was told by a very wise friend, “you can’t go back and “wish” you had done something different, or make a different choice. You can only move forward with what you have.” I have been living those words for the past 9 weeks. I have fallen a few times, and found a way to pick myself up, brush the dirt off and keep going. Recalculating, rethinking, reinventing and changing as I go along.

I keep saying that its almost done. “Little bit more, another few weeks…” I have said that for the past 3 years. Its always one more semester, one more exam, just a little longer. The sleepless nights, the lack of socialization, lack of time with friends, lack of family time. The hours spent in the library. The thousands of pages of textbooks that have been read. Notebooks, printed sheets, note cards, highlighters, pens all of it…necessary for my success.

I have never felt so alone, yet so loved as I have over the past 9 weeks.  I realized that I have been mourning a loss that I did not even realize I was mourning. Missing someone that I did not even realize that I missing as much as I do. Some people in this world just can not be replaced. You find a way to move forward, so you can be the person that you are meant to be, but the back of your mind is always wishing you could just go back to that one day and change what happen. You wake up each day, thinking this is the day you are going to wake up from this never ending nightmare, and life is back to normal and you are right where you are suppose to be, doing what you are suppose to be doing.

I used to get asked, if I was angry for what happen to me? I would not say “angry” I would say that now I am simply learning to deal with this new world in which I live. I used to be a future thinker. One the first day of the term I was already thinking about the last day. I was mentally through every exam (with a pass), all my clinical days, readings, assignments and projects. Ready to start planning the break, or next term. I could visualize what the future was going to be. I have always been able to keep my anxiety hidden. I could keep the monster quiet. I had to learn at an early age, how to keep the monster happy, and quiet like a quiet purr in the back of my mind. When the monster awoke, and started to growl I could hide it, or put it back away so it did not show on the outside. I was the master, and I owned and controlled it.

When you are put into a situation that you have to think “I am going to die, right here, on the side of this road.” Your brain shows you all the faces of the people in your life (past and present). You see your life in a flash that happens so fast you don’t even realize that it happen until after its done. Your brain rewires a bit, in that fraction of a second. Everything you knew, trusted, and relied on changes.  Your life changes forever, what you knew before will never be the same again.

What does this have to do with Anxiety you are asking? When you have the monster called anxiety that lives within you gets woken up from its long slumber, it starts to feed and grow. It feeds on the irrational thoughts, fears, self doubts and feelings within you. As it grows it become the master, and you become its slave. You begin to self-doubt, second guess and overthink. You replay every conversation in your head. Every text message, is reread over and over to make sure your intention was clear and not misconstrued. You obsess on non-important details because you don’t want to miss anything. Anxiety makes you see the world in a different way, every conversation feels like you are being  “criticized” or “left out”. All conversations are “about you”. Anxiety makes you replay every decision made that day, that week, that month and 2 years ago. Anxiety makes your brain feel like you are standing in the middle of a football field with 20,000 people standing around you, talking in 20,000 directions. You are standing in the center of all that just wanting to be seen, herd, or to make the noise stop. You are screaming at the top of your voice, “SHUT UP” “STOP MOVING”, no one hears you so your just screaming. What you see on the outside is me sitting in lecture, taking notes, or reading my text. You see me having lunch with my co-workers. You hear me telling a funny story, or playing a character to make people laugh. You see me doing my job. What you don’t see is the tears  on my pillow or feel the jolts that wake me from the little bit of sleep I get. You don’t feel the physical pain I live with everyday of my life. The dull ache in my stomach, the shooting burning pains that shoot up and down my leg. You don’t feel the palpitations, of my heart as it skips beats and beats so hard and loud it feels its going to beat out of my chest. You see the smiling face on the outside, you hear my voice say “I’m great!”.

Living with the monster called Anxiety is trying to learn a foreign language. The alphabet, what the letters mean and sound like, how to write them; put the letters into words and know what they mean, how to say the word and put it into a sentence all while you are standing in the middle of that football field with the 20,000 people. That is what I have been going through the past 9 weeks. You don’t know what its like to be so exhausted all the time, that getting 4 hours of sleep is not only your new normal, but you have rationalize to your self that you really don’t need more than that.

I take life one day at a time, when that does not work, I take it on hour at a time, when that is not working I take it one minute at at  time. Many people have demons, monsters of their own to deal with. I have helped many people with just that. Always dropping what I’m doing to help someone who needs me. Going to be the shoulder to lean on, cry on. The one who has the most wisdom, understanding, empathy and sympathy. I have seen more, done more in my 39 years than most my age and older.

I just want people to understand that what sounds irrational you, is not to me. What seems simple concept to grasp to you, may take me a minuet or two. I am strong. I am not the monster that lives inside. I will tame it, and control it again, just some days are harder than others. I am not ready to give up, or give in. I also want to thank those of you who have been at my side. If it was not for you, I don’t know what I would do.

Thank you as always for being apart of my team…

 

I am not done fighting just yet.

Fight Song

This is my last mountain.

Some people have a mountain to climb, before they can move forward with life.

 

Be kind to yourself and each other… Have a good one..Cheryle

The time is now..

Hi, team!! It’s been a long 8 weeks or so… We are about half way through the term… I have lots of news to share… but you are going to have to wait for another few days… sorry…

I have been struggling, this semester more than ever that is not a secret. The offers of help that have poured in, I can not say thank you enough. It’s just a matter of getting the help that I need. I can only do my best. I could not have asked for a better group of classmates who I know have become lifelong nursing school friends!

Look for BIG news next WED!!!

 

 

Big exam this coming Monday! send me all the love you can.. I need it..

 

until then… be kind to each other and your self… Happy Halloween!!

13 more weeks to go

Hello Team!!

I am taking a quick second to let everyone know whats been going on…

Last week we started the new term. My final term, I will add. I was welcomed to my new nursing class with open arms. I am the quiet person in class at this point. They will find out soon… :-). We have hit the ground running with Lectures, paperwork, lab and tomorrow we have our clinical site orientation. I am excited to say that I will be starting on the critical care unit for the first 3 weeks then I will go to the tele floor for the remainder of the time. I will be happy to get through critical care, for me, it causes more of an emotional response.  I know that I will be just fine. I am oddly calm about this term. I feel deep inside my soul that I am going to be just fine. I say this prior to my first exam mind you…but still, I say it. I know that I will be OK.

Every day, every night I keep myself going. Some days I feel that I am simply going through the motions. Some days I simply am ‘sleep walking’ through my day. I keep going. I know that my little family depends on my success. I will not let them down. December graduate here I come..

 

Who are you?

What a funny question to ask. If I was to ask you ‘Who are you?’ what would your response be? While you think about that for a second or ten.  I will first ask myself that same question: ‘Who are you, Cheryle?’

I am first and always my own person. I am a daughter, sister, wife, and best friend. I am a nurse in the making. I am the protector of those whom I love. I am the one who will give you the last 3 dollars in my pocket. I am the one who will stand up for myself but rarely do because when I do, it causes problems. I am the one to push myself harder than any other. I am the one who has to work harder for what I have. I am the one who feels that if I am right about something or feel passionate about something then I will not back down. I am also the one who will tell on myself, and be the first to apologize when I am wrong. I am the one who will often take one for the team, but make sure that the whole team learns the same lesson. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my suit of armor under my clothes. I believe in the magic of the fairies, the teaching of buddha and have a relationship with God. I am a loyal friend till the end, and yet not the one you want to cross off your list. I am an open book, and will tell you anything that you ask, but you have to ask the right question.

I am wise beyond my 39 years and have been through more in the past 10 years than most people my age. I have seen what drugs and alcohol can do to a person. I have lost too many friends to the demons that live within. I am a confidant, counselor, the positive light to shine in the darkness so a few could find their way. I am the friend that never forgets how special our bond is. I am the friend who holds on to the memories, so that even if your forget I will be able to remind you.

I am the nurse to tend to his wounds, the hand to hold when he needed me the most. I am the  one at the other end of the phone when it just is too much to take. I am the voice in his ear when he can not speak. I am the vision in his sleep when he can not see.  I am the heart that loves him the most.

I am so much to so many people. I am the one to put myself last. I am the one to put my needs on hold to make sure others are cared for. I am the first to recognize my own demons and know how to keep them away. I am the one who is willing to walk away if it saves another heartache for another person. I keep all the secrets. I hold the keys to the locked drawers of my heart. I am the one to cry in the shower when I am lonely. I am the one to dance in the living room when no one is home. I am the one who will do what I can to make someone else laugh.  I am the class clown, the fixer of the electronics, the holder of random trivia.

I could go on..my point is this. Before you judge me, before you make assumptions about me…you really should get to know me.

Now, who are you?

 

Bitter sweet…

 

 

 

 

In a few short hours I will awake, pack my lunch, pack my bag. I will double and triple check my planner, I will make sure that I am bright eyed and awake.

My day will start with pre-school breakfast celebration with a brand new nursing student. I will be entering my final term and she will be starting her first. I am so very excited because I know that this is my time. 

I know that the next 16 weeks will be hard but I also know that I am ready. I am ready to shine. I have so many people who are supporting me, cheering for me, and backing me up. I can’t thank them enough. 

Steve and I have decided, well more me have decided that I am ready to add another mouth to our little family. I am looking for a new kitten. I know that they find us and we don’t find them. Finding the right fit for us, will be easy. I know that I can never replace BamBam. He was a one of a kind, he saved me just as much as I saved him. Now, it’s time for more saving for both of us. 

 

Team…I bit you a good night. Stay positive, Stay Happy… Be kind to each other and yourself… C

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding the right words…

I find myself looking for the right words to say today… I find myself searching my inner soul, reading the fine print of text that runs through my being like a never ending novel. Looking for the words that will make it better. Looking for the words that will ease the pain and the hurt. I find myself looking for the super glue that makes me super. The inner bond that I have within myself that I have had to rely on so many times in the past.

I have told you the story of my accident. I have told you about Steve. I have opened up to the world a very personal side of me, during a most vulnerable time in my life. I was physically broken and emotionally broken. I did not do this to seek “pity”. I did not do this to have anyone look down on me and say… “Poor Cheryle, that girl can not catch a break”. Nope, I did this because I needed to heal and put myself back together. I have never used my journey no matter how hard it has been as an excuse. That will never change about me.

I guess I have not told of another important time in my life that has shaped the person that you see today. The person, that inspires people not to give up’ the person who looks for the silver lining in each gray cloud, the person who will try to make each situation positive. I am often asked how do I stay so positive? How do I stay so strong? I stay so positive, and I stay strong because I have no other choice.

A few times in my life I have been broken on an emotional level that required me to dig down deep within my soul to find the superglue that holds my being together.  In my mind’s eye, I envision a little bottle of glue, the strongest super glue ever made. This glue is what keeps the smile on my face, the warmth in my heart, and the passion that keeps me going. It’s no secret that I have always been given the harder lessons. I have always been measured to a higher mark. The times that this happened to me, I lived in a very dark place for a time being. Each time I dug myself into the light, promising each time that I would not allow myself to be put in the dark again. Each time I find the bottle of super glue and piece myself back together, changing, a bit during the process. Building new wisdom, a new sense of self and a different view of the world and the people who live in it.

I have taken the times in my life that this has happened and put them in a catalog. In their own collection of mini-novels that when needed I am able to open and remember not to dwell on the past but to remind myself not to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Sometimes you have to remember the hurt you felt, betrayal, the loss of friendship or loss of love in order to grow.

When we are babies and learning how to navigate the world, we are taught to speak. We are taught how to say words and what they mean. What we are not taught is that the words we speak are a powerful tool. We do not realize that the way we use our words should be chosen very carefully. Words can cut deeper than the sharpest blade, burn hotter than the fastest bullet and kill faster than the quickest assassin. I often say “be kind to each other, and yourself…” When I speak those words I mean it with every fiber of my being. When I say “I want to be the one who inspires someone not to give up…” I mean that with every fiber of my being. When I say, “I am an open book” I mean that, deeply and truly.

I have been put down for the words that I say, by those who simply do not know me, understand me, or who simply have no intention to ever want to know me. I have had to deal with this many times in my life, with people who simply at the end of the day are looking for the biggest kid on the playground, to beat up to prove themselves to the rest of the class. What the person does not realize that even if they choose me because I show confidence and strength, they are also choosing someone who really cares more about that person than they care about me. They have chosen a person, who is not in this for the “who can I compete against to be awarded the “gold metal”.  I am the person who will go the end of the universe and back for my fellow man. I will go without, and become the sacrificial lamb for the greater good. I am the person who will have your back, even if you don’t realize it.

Now before you ask…”what happened now…” Or “Oh, I know what you are talking about…” Or “hang in there…” “You got this…” I am not looking for any of that. If you know me at all you will know that this blog is a double meaning. The words that I choose very carefully to say here today for my message to the world are for more than just me. I have readers from around the world who visit my page because they say it helps them.

Be kind to yourself and each other….

Sleep

If you were to ask me, what do I cherish the most? I would tell you sleep. Sleep is the one thing that my body craves. Sleep is the high school crush that you just never seem to get the courage to talk to. Sleep is the most wonderful yet scary thing.

the one thing that you can never truly get back once it’s gone… The sleep you miss.

The final leg of my journey.

I have given all that I can give. I have accepted the truth of my situation. I have accepted the new way my body moves, feels, sounds. I have accepted the path that I am now on. I have accepted the view from my window.

I move forward with a smile on my face. I move forward with the knowledge that this time is the time. I move forward with the knowledge that this is the “Do or Die” so to speak time. have accepted the cards that life thrown at me. I will play this had until the very end.

This is my final leg of the race. I have been running a marathon relay race with myself. It really started long ago, but the past 3 years have been the hardest of my race. I have faced obstacles, challanges, and pain. I have faced each roadblock and found a way to keep going. I can not only see the end to this journey but I can feel that this will be the end of my journey. I will be able to finally close this chapter on my life and start a new.

The next two weeks are my last before my term starts again. I have my schedule planned out by the hour of each day from now until then delicately balancing work, study and self. I have prepared myself mentally to start the sprint on August 29th. When I wake up that morning I will start running fast and hard.  I will not look back, I will not look left or right. I will have my head down, my eyes focused on knowing the end is around the corner. I will have my days and nights planned. I will have each hour of my day filled with a task to be completed. I will check off each task, each hour, each day. I know that no matter what I will keep going. When I feel my body, getting weak. When I feel my muscles screaming for oxygen and rest. I will answer the call with “almost done”.

I will hear the cheers of support from all of you as I pass. I will feel the love and support from you along my journey.

I know that this will be it for me.

 

what would you say?

I am loved….some may say ‘spoiled’… Some may say other things…. I say that I am loved. I work hard for the little that I have. I appreciate all that is given to me. I count each blessing that is blessed upon me.

We each walk a path that leads us on our adventure of life. Speed bumps, detours, road closures may find a way on to your path…it’s how you handle each obstacle that makes you the person you are meant to be. Blessing others when you can with wisdom, help, or love is just a small part. Learning to ask for help, accept help and then in-turn help another is another part.

I accept the path that I am on and I will keep moving forward. Learning along the way, and making sure that I am forever changing into the person I should be.

Be kind to yourself and each other…

Here it is::

Q: if you could go back and tell your 16, 18, 21 or 25 year old self a bit of wisdom, piece of advice what would it be?

When you want to give up…

I have been having days that I just feel like the world is closing in on me. I have days that I feel like the darkness is like a never ending down pour of endless blackness. Yet, I still move forward. I smile, even when I don’t want too.  I still think of others even when I don’t want too.  I do my job even when I don’t want too. I even have time to care for others even when I don’t want too. I look for the silver lining in the dark storm clouds. I look for the rainbow after the storm has past. I keep taking each hit to the gut, that feels like a baseball bat, over and over and over… I endure the pain, heartache and the darkness. Yet, I still move forward.

The past week has been particularly hard for me. I have had hit, after hit after hit…I have felt like giving up a few times. I have wanted to crawl into a hole and let the darkness take me. I have wanted to simply give up the fight and say…”WORLD YOU WIN!”

We live in an ugly world and yet I still try to see the good in people. I try to find the small shimmer of light. I believe in doing the right thing, showing respect and earning respect. Looking out for your fellow man, saying “hello” “good morning” and “good bye”. I say that not everyone is looking to “get” you….. I am not so sure about that anymore.

I can not even describe the pain, fear and hurt that I feel. I can not begin to tell you the reasons I feel this way. I just want to give up…

Then, just as I am about to do that someone says to me:

“You inspire me. I wanted to give up so many times, but I think about you. If Cheryle can keep going then I know I can too.”

“It’s because of you, I decided to go back to school. With all you have been through you keep going”

“I read your story. I am amazed at the love that you share with your husband. You two have been through trials and tribulations and still look for anything positive.”

“You’re one of the reasons I’ve been able to be somewhat successful. When shit comes down I know, it’s nothing like what Cheryle deals with and she keeps trucking along”

“You know this will pass and it will all be ok”

“we are here for you”

The people who have said these things to me are family, friends and comments from strangers.  I am thankful to have those people and all of you on my side. So, I know that I have to keep going, fighting, and pushing through each and every day. I have to get up, get dressed, and face the day. The monsters will only win if you let them. I am choosing not to let them win. I may not have much left when the fight is done. I may not be more than a shell of a human by the end of the day, but I will say that I fought bravely and true of heart.

 

The wisdom that I will pass down from this weeks post is this:

Even if you want to throw in the towel, You Can’t.

Even when life is the hardest and you want to give up, You Can’t.

When you have $5.00 left in the bank, you simply need to be happy, that $5.00 will cover a few cups of coffee so you will be warm.

You can never give up, no matter what…Keep following your dreams. Keep reaching for the stars. Keep going after what you want…knowing that one day it will be worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE

i have nothing left to give

i have given all I can

i have given my body to be hurt

i have given my mind to be broken

i have give my money to be paid

i have given my time, that I will never get back

i have given my heart that will never heal

i have nothing left to give

i have nothing left for me

The ride

Today I will take a ride. Today I will pack my car, pile in and drive. I will smile, and laugh. I will wear a mask that will not betray one feeling of sadness, one flicker of fear. Today, I will pull every fiber of my being together to show strength and bravery. That is what is needed today. 

I have not been looking forward to today. I have been trying toput today off. Each day I say…”one more week” “one more day…” Each of the days come and yet another excuse fills my mind. Another task fills my calendar. Now looking at the boxes filled on my pages I realize I have no more wiggle room left. Knowing that it’s is going to be ok. Knowing that this really is the last time this will be necessary. I have played it out more than a hundred times in my head, senecio after senecio to not let him go. How can I bring them home? How can I make it work? How can I balance the delicate scale? Can I juggle just one more ball? Each senecio ends the same. In good faith, love and sanity can’t bring them home just yet. 
This is the final stretch. I have said the words before, I have been in this situation and fate stepped in my path to say “Nope!” This time is different, I know, I can feel with every fiber of my being that this time is “MY” time to shine. This time I will prove to those who matter that I am worth the gamble. I will achieve my goal. During a situation that recently occurred, I was shown a glimpse of the future that I want. I stood with those who whom I look to for support, advice and most of all I stood along side  those that I want to an equal too. I will use this as my motivational push for this last hill I am about to climb. 

I know that I can climb this flat, vertical, surface. I do not see any hand holds, I see no ladder. I just have to have the faith that they are hiding in plain sight ready to help when I need them. 

I am physically hurting each day, but I push through. I am angry that my dreams, goals, and timeline was pushed back. I also know that it simply was not my time. I had a bigger purpose, I had another job during the past 6 months. I did it with pride, love, compassion and the knowledge that I would not (looking back now) choose a different path. 

I choose to look at each positive bit of the day. That has been tested a few times -!; sadly I have given in to the negative thoughts. I then stop, take a breath and refocus to “commitment to making a change, and making it a positive one” 


Not long ago a friend said this to me: 

“I always think about you and say “if Cheryle could do it and never give up… I can too.”

That made me feel so good. I don’t use my life experiences as excuses. I don’t tell people my story to get sympathy. I tell people my story because I always hope to inspire someone who may not be going through the “same” thing as me, but is simply going through something they feel is going to stop them from achieving their goals. I always feel that we should learn from each other and let people inspire us. 

I would not choose my path for anyone else to take. The hard times, the heartache, sleepless nights,the tears of frustration, the worry, the countless hours of writing, reading and daily planning. The delicate balance of school, work and family. That is what gives me strength to wake up each day and say “ok Cheryle (yes I talk to myself and address myself my name) you can do this! Let’s get moving!” 

After today I will add one more box to my daily todo. It will simply say one word. It is the most powerful word to me. It is the word that will remind me to keep going, remind me ‘it will be ok’. It is the one word that reminds me I am so loved. Finally it’s the one word that reminds me I am not alone. 


Have a great day all…be kind to each other and yourself. 

Life used to be simple 

Life used to be simple. Not so complex than it is now. Thinking back to yesterday, oh how simple it was. Thinking back to the teaching’s of the elders from my past a few phrases and teachings always sit in the forefront of my mind: 

Dedication- it does mean something to some people. 

Honesty- always be truthful, no matter how much it hurts. 

Hard work- do your best, work your hardest it will pay off in the end. 

Be the friend you want someone to be to you. 

Respect- it’s given: it’s rewarded and earned. 

Smile- they can hear it in your voice

Thinking…

I have been thinking over the past few days. I have been thinking about the hate that is being shown. I have been thinking about the Love that is being shown. I have been thinking about the neighbors who are coming together for a cause. I have been thinking about the families who are in mourning. I have been thinking about the families that are worried about their loved ones. I have been thinking about…

What has happened to the US? When did we go back to the divide?

Peace

Sad world to wake to today. The events over the past several weeks weigh heavy on my heart. From violence right here on our soil to the violence in our sister nations. 

I am a thinker. I am open minded. I formulate my onions, after the ought, fact checking, and research. I will always ask questions in a topic I do not know anything about. I will ask you questions on a religion, culture or topic that you are fluent in, not out of ignorance, but because I want to learn. I want to educate myself as best I can. 

I have been called racists, ignorant, stupid, dumb…and a list of others…from strangers who don’t even know me. I was called those things by people who simply were angry because I would not agree with them. 

I have lost several friends over the past two weeks due to the uprising of violence with in the US over what I feel will become the next “civil war” or “race war” that is tearing families, friends and neighbors apart. I have lost several friends over the “gun” debate. I am tiered of losing friends just because we have a difference of opinion. That’s what makes the world go round. Why can’t people just respect difference of opinion without resorting to violence, name calling, shaming and bashing. 

When will people start being the change they want to see…

Sad today…violence does not solve violence…I have such a heavy heart, the events over the past several weeks are wrong. 

If you believe in: 

Raising your voice in protest. I will stand behind you…
Fighting for what you believe. I  will stand behind you! 
Wanting a better world to raise your children. I stand behind you. 
Wanting peace. I will stand behind you.
I will NOT stand behind: Shaming another race or religion.
I will NOT stand behind: Senseless killing of innocent people.
I will NOT stand behind: Ignorance and hate.

My thoughts and prayers are with the Citizens of the United States ??.

My thoughts and prayers are with the citizens of France ??. 

My thoughts and prayers are with the citizens of each respective country that faces daily violence.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. ❤️
I have a heavy heart. I wake today to hear of more senseless killing. I simply have no words. ?

Violence is NOT the answer. 

I am praying for our Country today. 
??????????????????❤️?? 

#CantWeAllJustGetAlong

#Unity

#Peace

#StopTheViolence

Too much..

When life gets to be just too much. How am I supposed to do it all? How can I do it all? How can I put life in the back pocket of my jeans so I can focus on what needs to be focused on? 

I will always do what I need to do. I will always put my best foot forward with a smile on my face even if on the inside I am just sad. 

The true mask a person wears the the face the world see’s. Under the mask you often will find the eyes of a sad soul.