Time turner

I’m going to take you back in time…Just for a few minutes, to  March 2013

I had just turned in my application to the nursing program. Steve had agreed to stand beside me and support me during the next two years. Knowing I would be doing something amazing. We knew it would be hard. We also knew it was going to change our life.

I also was counting down to surgery day. I was scheduled for March 20 to have my bariatric surgery. I was taking steps to a healthier me. We were both scared. We both knew it was going to change our life.

We were ready for our lives to turn around. We had been living paycheck to paycheck for so long, it was time for financial freedom. We both knew it would not be easy. We both knew that it would take a few years, but it would be worth it in the end. Little did either of us know the events that would happen that year that would change our lives forever.

Three years later being so close to completing my goal. I lay with cold packs wrapped on my knee and ankle that are helping to reduce the swelling so my joints will move again. I look at the envelope that came in the mail last week. I look at the white envelope that is unopened. The blue stamp that says “Graduation Status Letter” that is stamped on the left side, just above my name and address. I can not bear to tear the paper. I do not have the strength to break the seal, that will open the letter. Even if the envelope was open, I am not brave enough to unfold the white paper that is inside and read the words that are printed on the page. I do not have the strength to read something that will make me cry.

I keep reminding myself, that my day will come. I keep reminding myself that I can make it, just one more semester. I tell myself every day that I wake up, I was spared for a reason. I hear the words that come from my lips “you can do this”. I read the words of encouragement. I smile, and when I suppose too I give the right advice. I am trying to keep hate out of my heart.

I am still deeply hurt. I mark the days off  on my calendar, one by one. I countdown, the number of days that I have left. I used to count down the days till graduation. I used to count down the days until pinning ceremony. I used to count down the days…now I count down the days of my leave.

I struggle to hold on to my happiness. I struggle to see the bright side. I struggle to see why this happened. I struggle to see what good will come of this. I simply struggle to see…I don’t know the lesson. I don’t know the reason. I don’t know why again, I am put in a situation where I have to choose, who gets paid. I don’t know why again I have to worry about the future of my little family.

You see my little family may not be much, but it’s all I have.  I am the one who has the full responsibility of making sure my family survives.

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