Today I will take a ride. Today I will pack my car, pile in and drive. I will smile, and laugh. I will wear a mask that will not betray one feeling of sadness, one flicker of fear. Today, I will pull every fiber of my being together to show strength and bravery. That is what is needed today.
I have not been looking forward to today. I have been trying toput today off. Each day I say…”one more week” “one more day…” Each of the days come and yet another excuse fills my mind. Another task fills my calendar. Now looking at the boxes filled on my pages I realize I have no more wiggle room left. Knowing that it’s is going to be ok. Knowing that this really is the last time this will be necessary. I have played it out more than a hundred times in my head, senecio after senecio to not let him go. How can I bring them home? How can I make it work? How can I balance the delicate scale? Can I juggle just one more ball? Each senecio ends the same. In good faith, love and sanity can’t bring them home just yet.
This is the final stretch. I have said the words before, I have been in this situation and fate stepped in my path to say “Nope!” This time is different, I know, I can feel with every fiber of my being that this time is “MY” time to shine. This time I will prove to those who matter that I am worth the gamble. I will achieve my goal. During a situation that recently occurred, I was shown a glimpse of the future that I want. I stood with those who whom I look to for support, advice and most of all I stood along side those that I want to an equal too. I will use this as my motivational push for this last hill I am about to climb.
I know that I can climb this flat, vertical, surface. I do not see any hand holds, I see no ladder. I just have to have the faith that they are hiding in plain sight ready to help when I need them.
I am physically hurting each day, but I push through. I am angry that my dreams, goals, and timeline was pushed back. I also know that it simply was not my time. I had a bigger purpose, I had another job during the past 6 months. I did it with pride, love, compassion and the knowledge that I would not (looking back now) choose a different path.
I choose to look at each positive bit of the day. That has been tested a few times -!; sadly I have given in to the negative thoughts. I then stop, take a breath and refocus to “commitment to making a change, and making it a positive one”
“I always think about you and say “if Cheryle could do it and never give up… I can too.”
That made me feel so good. I don’t use my life experiences as excuses. I don’t tell people my story to get sympathy. I tell people my story because I always hope to inspire someone who may not be going through the “same” thing as me, but is simply going through something they feel is going to stop them from achieving their goals. I always feel that we should learn from each other and let people inspire us.
I would not choose my path for anyone else to take. The hard times, the heartache, sleepless nights,the tears of frustration, the worry, the countless hours of writing, reading and daily planning. The delicate balance of school, work and family. That is what gives me strength to wake up each day and say “ok Cheryle (yes I talk to myself and address myself my name) you can do this! Let’s get moving!”
After today I will add one more box to my daily todo. It will simply say one word. It is the most powerful word to me. It is the word that will remind me to keep going, remind me ‘it will be ok’. It is the one word that reminds me I am so loved. Finally it’s the one word that reminds me I am not alone.