My heart still aches.
How am I suppose to keep smiling? I can say it over and over until I believe it. I even from time to time I stand and face the mirror and repeat the words over and over to my reflection. Even as the tears roll down my cheeks. Even when my eyes are so red they burn. My voice has gone horse from me repeating the words over and over again. Yet, my heart still aches.
I smile because I know it’s what everyone wants to see. I hide behind the pain, when I congratulate another. I am truly happy for the accomplishments and obstacles they have over come to make it this far. Yet, my heart still aches.
My head nods in approval, my lips part while the corners of my mouth point to my eyes. The smile that takes over my face, the words of encouragement and cheer escape my lips. Yet, my heart still aches.
I remind myself each day. Telling myself the same thing over and over in hopes that my heart and mind will simply believe. Yet, my heart still aches.
You see when no one is looking. When I am alone for the night. When the lights are all off and the house is still. My heart aches for what should have been. My heart breaks for what I have lost. I remind myself for all that I should be thankful for and yet it sometimes is not enough to stop the ache.
The anger inside wells up brimming to the top treating to boil over. Laying in my bed, being angry. I was raised to not be selfish. Giving to others is the best gift of all. Making another person happy, smile or laugh is enough happiness in life.
Showing compassion, empathy, support and love that’s what I’m suppose to do. Celebrate the achievements of those around me. Let the light shine upon them for they need it most at this time.
Yet, my heart still aches.
I remind myself just one more term. I tell myself just 15 weeks. I fool myself into believing that this next time will be the last time, yet again. I tell myself over and over “things happen for a reason”. I am hoping that one day soon, I will believe the lie I tell myself each day.
I will smile.
I know that my day will come. Until then I will stand proud and happy for those who have completed the journey before me, even if my heart aches.