Big day….

I have been a little quiet for the last week or so…I will catch everyone up.

I have been doing very well at PT. I am progressing each week. My therapist, whom I love, told me that he sees improvements each week. I push myself as hard, and it’s paying off.

Today was big, I used the elliptical machine for the first time. I had a small bit of pain but it was something o have not been able to do. 

I used the balance board, not great BUT way better than last week.

work has been a challenge since I am not used to the day being up at 330-345 am, then being to work 6-630 am. I have been managing well and even in days that I feel like I am drowning I seem to find my way to the top again.

I have just one month, just over 4 weeks till they expect me to be 100%. If not then, that will mean more tests, scans and I don’t even want to think what else. I am being optimistic that by the end of June I’ll be closer to my old self again.
I have worked one night shift, then had an afternoon PT appt with no sleep, and after what I have been through…lets just say that I looked bad! I will have a lot of work to do before I’ll be able to pull those 28 plus hour days. I know that I’ll be able to do it. I will need to just recondition myself again.

I think the hardest part in all of this, is remembering just how bad I was hurt. Everything that I went through, and how far I have come.
I went today to say “farewell” to someone who started as a stranger and has become a friend. You know that I have talked about the most amazing car sales man, at suberu in Annapolis? Yup that right, Wayne!!  He sold me BB8, the very car that saved mylife.  He and his family are moving back to California. Thank goodness for social media to stay connected!! A special family!!

Groundhog and his shadow


I started reading up yesterday afternoon about the legend of the groundhog and having an early spring or 6 more weeks of winter.

If I understand it correctly legend, folklore, or our ancestors that came before us tell the story of the groundhog who came out of his burrow on a rainy day and decided to go about his business and spring came early those years. The years that he came out and the sun was shining his shadow would appear on the ground and he would retreat back into his burrow and we would have 6 more weeks of winter weather.

This normally happens in February. In a town call Punxsutawney in Pennsylvania. The resident groundhog even has a name, Phil.

The town of approximately 6,000 people located 84 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. Has a celebration every February 2. That celebrates this event. The whole town gets involved, news coverage from all over comes to see if Phil will see his shadow.

Now, we will leave the controversy aside, of “Phil being ‘pulled’, ‘yanked’ from his cage I mean burrow. The towns people have an expectation to uphold each year with this ceremony and celebration. I am not an expert on this subject. I do not have scientific fact this is true or not.

As your going through life you have certain expectations for what you think your suppose to do or suppose to be doing. Tradition tells you this. Your siblings did this at this age, your friends do this. You look at yourself and say, “I am 16 years old I am suppose to be driving”. “I am 25 years old I should have graduated college and be getting married or starting a family” “I am…” I think you get the point.

I am going to share some real world life advice. Life is not a timeline. We all know “life is not fair” and “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get”. Life is a chronological time line of years, not expected life events.  Why do we put these self imposed expectations on ourselves? Why do we force situations that happen to us that are round shaped and try to force them into the square shaped whole of life?

I spoke to one of my sister the other day (bet you did not know I had a sister huh? That’s a whole nother blog post) someone who is near and dear to my heart. We had a chance to catch up on each other’s lives. We talked about my accident, and what I have missed in her family over the past months. One of the things she said went sorta like this “you should write a book, the journey you have taken to finish school has been like no other, but you will finish”. I just smiled, and nodded my head but in the inside I was crying. I excused myself from the phone, since it was time for my doctors appointment. Told her I loved her and to kiss n hug the family from me.

After we got off the phone I went into the office for my appointment. I had taken my stocking , sock and shoe off and pulled my pants leg up so my knee and ankle could be examined. I was sitting on the exam table and I had about 10 minutes wait. No big deal, it gave me time to think about my day and what we had talked about.

I had been having high anxiety all day. I had been sick in my stomach so I had barely eaten. My heart was beating out of my chest with anticipation of the news I was about to receive. The physical exam and evaluation that would determine my immediate fate.

Most of you know my life moves at a speed most can not comprehend.  As Chris puts it I “burn the candle at both ends and in the middle” I always smile and say “I have no choice my family’s survival depends on me” I have a list of goals and a timeline of when I want them accomplished. I have held to that timeline for the past 9 years, since the day I decided I was going to “go back to school and become a nurse”. I laid out a “GRAND PLAN OF LIFE”. I even wrote it down on a bucket list. It used to hang in my office so I could look at it each day.  I have not let anything stop me from accomplishing my goals. I have hit roadblocks, speed bumps, and detours along my way but I’ve always found a way to kept going. I did have a major flaw in my grand plan of life, you see I did not account for the unforeseeable.

I have been progressing very well in regards to my physical and mental health. Each day I get a bit stronger. Each day I push myself to accomplish a new task or goal. I remind myself that just 3 months ago I was unable to walk and in a wheelchair. I have to remind myself that the accident that I was involved in was not a fender bender, but a major accident that required first responders to cut away my car to extract me. I have to remind myself of the bruises that not long a go my body was covered in black, purple, blue, brown and yellow. I still have a bruise on my leg as a constant reminder. I have to remind myself of the pain that I endured on that day and the weeks after. I have to remind myself, I have been back to work now for only 3 weeks, and I could not be happier. I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to be working at all. I have to remind myself that this is a marathon not a sprint.

I also have to remind myself of the goals I have accomplished:

  • Learning to walk again progressing from wheelchair to crutches to cane to now no support.
  • Learning to walk up and down  steps.
  • Over coming the fear, anxiety and emotions of sitting in the drivers seat.
  • Learning not to be so hard on myself and accepting help from others.
  • Learning that life is unpredictable, and it’s destiny, fate or written on sandstones of what happens to you on your life’s journey.
  • You may not always be able to plan out life’s events the way you want them too.

I have had yet another speed bump put on my path. I am on target and where my surgeon expects me to be in regards to healing. If I had just one injury I was working with I would be further long and back to full speed. Since I am healing two injuries on the same leg, that puts me on a delay. They are expecting that within the next six weeks I will be 100% full steam ahead. The severity of the sprain in my ankle takes longer to heal completely. I felt better hearing this, since the anxiety I had been feeling all day, was coming from me thinking that “I was not doing a good enough job” and “I was not pushing myself hard enough” in regards to my healing process.

I often feel that I am always letting someone else down, and that I can do better because that is what we are suppose to do, when we don’t succeed at something. Just another life lesson.

??What did this have to do with the groundhog? Sometimes you get an early spring and somethimes you get 6 more weeks of winter… ☀️/☃

It is simply a matter of perspective.

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Happy day to all

 

 

Shining Star

I could not be prouder of the Spring 2016 Nursing Class of AACC!!
Some of the graduates from this term started nursing school with me. They have over come trials and tribulations and never gave up!!

There is one special person that started the journey with me. We have stood at each other’s side each with one goal in mind. From prerequisites, to nursing school application. We have been through a lot together. We have suffered loss, accidents, laughs, adventure, and everything in between.

The day we received “THE EMAIL” (the one all nursing students wait for….) It welcomed us to the nursing program. Feels like only  yesterday. I remember getting the call “I Made it” the words of my best friend. The very next day, I called her with the same message!!

We moved through the program together. Each hitting our own speed bumps along the way. Always encouraging, cheering, and pushing each other to the next challenge. We celebrated our triumphs together and cried tears of saddness for each other. “We can do it!” “We will do this together” was our motto to each other.

My journey hit a roadblock this term. I spend my semester learning how to walk again. How to live within the limitations of new self.  Most importantly I spend the term dealing with my own feelings on not being able to finish this term. Each day, I told myself it was ok. Each day I told myself I will have my time.

Her journey continued on through the term.  She spent her semester studying with a new partner, writing careplans, prepping for projects, and passing exams.
We talked almost everyday. She included me in her days at school what was happening. I cheered her every step of the way. Giving her encouragement and support. She listened to me ramble on about PT and what doctor said what. What new “tricks” I could do. We always made sure each other was doing what we were suppose too do.

The day came that a text popped up on my phone, it simply was a “number”. I knew what it meant. How many times had we sat and added her points for the term. We both knew exactly what was needed. She did it!! Her final exams are done. She is now officially done with nursing school.

It was just about a week later. I got a call from her hearing the excitement in her voice on the phone “is this real?” tears of pure joy rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to scream, yell “Woot woot” from the top of my voice. I wanted to make an announcement for the world to hear. I could not be more proud and happy!!  It was yet another accomplishment. She had checked yet another box off on her journey.  She has over come obstacles, her own personal struggles and truly deserves this time to shine! I am happy to stand at her side, just one step behind while she stands in the spot light.

I know that my day will come. I know that I will accomplish the goals that I have set my mind and heart too. I know that when my turn comes I will look to my side and see her standing, at my side while I stand in the spotlight.

On the 26th of this month, my whole day will be spent holding back my own feeling. They will be put into a box, not to be shown. You see it’s “Pinnjng day” this day belongs to her, and my friends. I will be watching from the front row as she walks across the stage to receive her nursing pin.  I will be sitting in the audience that same night that she walks across the stage in her cap and gown. I will be cheering louder than anyone else. I know the hard work, dedication, sacrifice she has put into her journey…this is her time to shine as bright as she can!!

I feel that this is part of my journey, something that needs to happen. If more people in life could be happy for others, show support in times of great need and in times of pure joy our world would be much brighter.

I feel that in our own way we are all shining stars. if each star was to shine super bright at the same time we would all be blind from the light. So every now and again, we need to let individual stars shine  as bright as possible, while the other stars support, cheer, and love that one shining star.

The nursing community is lucky to be welcoming this shining star into their ranks!!

I attribute my success to this – I never gave or took any excuse. -Florence Nightingale

My message to her:

You did it!! Congratulations! ???Shine bright!!

❤️Shirly Heardford Doe!

Continue reading “Shining Star”

My heart still aches

My heart still aches.

How am I suppose to keep smiling? I can say it over and over until I believe it. I even from time to time I stand and face the mirror and repeat the words over and over to my reflection. Even as the tears roll down my cheeks. Even when my eyes are so red they burn. My voice has gone horse from me repeating the words over and over again. Yet, my heart still aches.

I smile because I know it’s what everyone wants to see. I hide behind the pain, when I congratulate another. I am truly happy for the accomplishments and obstacles they have over come to make it this far. Yet, my heart still aches.

My head nods in approval, my lips part while the corners of my mouth point to my eyes. The smile that takes over my face, the words of encouragement and cheer escape my lips. Yet, my heart still aches.

I remind myself each day. Telling myself the same thing over and over in hopes that my heart and mind will simply believe. Yet, my heart still aches.

You see when no one is looking. When I am alone for the night. When the lights are all off and the house is still. My heart aches for what should have been. My heart breaks for what I have lost. I remind myself for all that I should be thankful for and yet it sometimes is not enough to stop the ache.

The anger inside wells up brimming to the top treating to boil over. Laying in my bed, being angry. I was raised to not be selfish. Giving to others is the best gift of all. Making another person happy, smile or laugh is enough happiness in life.

Showing compassion, empathy, support and love that’s what I’m suppose to do. Celebrate the achievements of those around me. Let the light shine upon them for they need it most at this time.

Yet, my heart still aches.

I remind myself just one more term. I tell myself just 15 weeks. I fool myself into believing that this next time will be the last time, yet again. I tell myself over and over “things happen for a reason”. I am hoping that one day soon, I will believe the lie I tell myself each day.

I will smile.

I know that my day will come. Until then  I will stand proud and happy for those who have completed the journey before me, even if my heart aches.

 

 

People in life

In life people come and and go from your life.  Sometimes you question why. Sometimes you don’t. I have had people walk out of my life never to return and others who have come back.

I have people who will always hold a special spot in my heart, a drawer if you will that once held a special spot in my life that will always be with me even if the draws remains locked never to be reopened.

I have people who have come and gone but no matter the amount of time seems to stand still when we are apart and when we are together no time has passed.

I have had some people who were very important to me, slip away. Over the years I have helplessly watched them slowly slip through my fingers like sand until they are gone.

I have people in my life that I did not expect to be so important to me and I can’t imagine going one day without them.

I have people who call me names, “hero” “inspirational” “fighter”.

I am sure I have other names that I am called too, but I won’t go there…:)

I have had to say final goodbyes to to people who still make my heart ache when I think of them today.

I have people in my life that have used me. I have had people in my life that have hurt me and left scars that will never heal.  I have had people in my life that have just left without a word.

I have people in my life that I look up to. I have people in my life that I call “hero” “inspriration” “role model” “mentor”.   It’s the people I give these names to who make me want to be an even better version of myself. It’s the people who I give these names that one day I hope to be like.

I have people in my life that make me smile and laugh.

I have wonderful people in my life. Like a quilt of vibrant colors and patterns. The people that have come into my life even if was for the shortest time left an impression on me. In my minds eye I can see my quilt of life and know that it’s the most beautiful thing I will ever see.

Thank you, to the people in my life.. Past, Present and Future.