fight another day…

I have often said “the one thing that I want people to say about me, is ‘because of her, I did not give up'”

The past few months I have wanted to give up each step of the way. I have spent hours, thinking about what I am going to do with my future. I have spent hours and hours trying to re-invent myself.  I have looked into different careers. I have spent hours trying to figure out how I can have the future that I want. I have spent hours thinking “will I be happy doing something else?”

I was reminded most recently, that someone, in fact, thinks of me as a hero. Someone that I meet by chance and a friendship bloomed. We have never met face to face but I consider her a friend. I have such respect for this person, she is a beautiful person both inside and out. She has been through tough times and fought tooth and nail to accomplish her goals. Most recently she had to make a very tough decision. When the decision was made she reached out to me, for words of wisdom, advice, and comfort.  In one way she and I have walked the same yet different path. My heart breaks for this young soul, for I am truly sad that she is going through this tough time.

I also, want to tell her “I’m sorry, I feel that I failed you…” I was supposed to succeed. I was the one who was to beat all the odds. I was the one who was not supposed to give up, just keep getting up and fighting. Hero’s are not supposed to let people down.

I know that in my heart that I did not personally fail her, and maybe she does not agree with me, and yes I know that many of you reading this who personally know me do not agree with me.

I will continue work hard to beat the odds, get up each time I am knocked down for you, my friend and for the others who look up to me….I will fight another day.

Heart broken all over again….

I just got the call I wanted more than anything…the call that I waited months for. I got a call to interview for a New Graduate position, on the observation unit at the very hospital that I work for. It was one of my top 3 positions I wanted more than anything. I guess with everything that happened I forgot to withdraw my applications. I am glad that I missed the call, but simply heartbroken after hearing the message. Now, I may not have been the first pick, I probably was one of the last. To me that does not matter, what matters is they wanted to at least give me a chance. I now have to find the strength, courage, to call them back and tell them “I’m sorry, I did not graduate from the top nursing school in MD. I failed by 5 points. Good Luck in your search…thank you for considering me.”

I can feel the dark cloud over my head, the cold rattling sound, the same feeling one gets when 100 dementors are looming overhead. The feeling that all the happiness in the world has been taken from you. The pain from the knife that has been cut so deep that the wound may never heal. I am looking for the silver lining. I am looking for the positive spark of light, I am looking for my patronus to clear the path. I just don’t see it nor do I think I can make the spell work properly.

 

If I could give any advice to students, future students, and their families. I would say this find a way to financially support the student so he/she does not need to work during school. I know that it is possible, I am not saying that it is not possible. I am saying that to simply be able to focus all your time and attention on your studies and school will make the biggest difference.

 

3 days…

When the world feels upside down, you can only hope that it is temporary. My world has been upside down for the past 8 weeks, but that is not really true. That is a lie. My world has been upside down for the past several years. I have been waiting for the glasses to be removed, so my world can turn right again. I was reminded of one of my favorite episodes of Bones, the other day. In the episode, the case involves Bones investigating a case that the murder victim lives a parallel life to Bones. The investigation digs deep into her psyche and she gets wrapped up in the case as she does she loses part of herself. It was the security guard who brings Bones back to herself.

“…they set up a bunch of people who wore glasses that made them see the world upside down. after a while, they were made to take off the glasses and instead of seeing things right side up, everything was upside down. after three days, they could see the world right side up again because it takes the brain three days to adjust.” Bones

That particular episode was more about Bones realizing she did not want to be alone, and that she really did love, Booth. If you are not a fan of the show then that does not mean much to you, that is ok. My meaning is far different. I keep trying to find the meaning in why things happen to me. The meaning in how to change things that are out of my control. I know that I can not bend the universe or fate.

Another quote that comes to my mind is “have the bad things been outweighing the good things all theses years and I just never noticed?” Abby Sciuto.  This particular quote comes from my other favorite show, NCIS.

 

Happy March…

Welcome Back with a New look!

It has been a long few months. My page has been under construction and today the team worked very hard and got me back up and running.

Big Thank You!! Chris and Lisa, you’re both amazing.

I have been doing a lot of searching the past few weeks. I have had to make and still am in the process of making some big life changes. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection over the past several weeks.  I have and still need to decide what my next step is going to be in regards to school, my career, and life.

I have worked for the past 7 years on one goal, earning my RN degree. I sacrificed, myself, family, friends knowing that in the end, it would be worth it. I was working full-time night shift, full-time school schedules knowing each semester I only had 15 weeks and I would be done. Then my life changed forever on January 30, 2016. You know my story, so I will not bore you with the details again. If you are new to my team then feel free to explore my page.

I thought I was ready to go back to school. I thought that I was finally able to move forward.  I had a short time that I thought I had a handle on my PTSD. The stress of school; continued pain, and the news of needing another surgery was too much for me. The nightmares started again. The feeling of being trapped. The acrid burning smell of the airbag, and the hot wires. The flashes of the car coming at me. Insomnia night after night… that’s when the depression hit me. It was early September 2016. I was a few weeks into my final term. I fell into the deepest depression I have every experienced in my life. Each day I pushed forward wearing a mask, so no one would see just how much I was hurting and suffering.

I spend each day, fighting the darkness that lives inside of me. Most days, I am able to hide behind the mask that I show to the world. Somedays I just simply cannot fight the darkness.

 

In the days, weeks, and months ahead.

 

Often I think about how funny life is. I reflect on the choices I have made in the past. I think about the people who have come and gone from my life. I think about the people who have come and gone from my heart. I think back to the days when life was carefree and easy. I remember the laughs, inside jokes, and the times that made me feel alive.

I often think about the people in my life past and present. The people who have helped to shape the person that I am today.  It does not matter how long or short someone touches your life, the moment that you meet them, you are forever changed.  Every day you meet new people, in line at the bank, standing to wait for your coffee. Even if you don’t share more than a glance or smile. When you are driving to work, you stop at red light and glance to your left and right (I know you do, don’t deny it). You think even for an instant “hmm he needs a hair cut” or “that music is too loud” or “heeeelllllooooo hotness”. The thoughts form even if they are not in your conscious mind. Then the light turns green and you are off again going about your day, moving on to the next person.

The people that you work with, customers that you take care of, even if you move on never to think of them again, they impacted your life or better yet you impacted their life. The kindness that you showed, the way you made them feel. They carried something with them from your interaction.

Thinking about the people who have impacted my life over the past 39 years…

The special people whom I hold near and dear to my heart. The ones who are no longer with me, but will never really leave me. I can still hear the voices and the laughter of our final conversations we shared. Our final goodbye’s, promises that were made and the ones that did not get the final words spoken to me. The lessons that I learned from the aging men, who fought for our freedom. The stories of lost love, forbidden love and the children they left behind. The funny stories that I will never forget and the history lessons I did not even know I was learning.

Those people who are special enough to find a place in my heart.  Imagine tiny drawers with initials on the front of each with a small golden keyhole.  Each person that you let into your heart earns a drawer and a golden key.  The golden key is special to each person who possesses it. Some drawers I  had to lock knowing it could never be opened again,  while some are locked not by me but the key holder.  The hardest part is when the drawer is left open and the key is lost. It’s like an ache that will never go away.

I started to think about the people who make up my technicolor quilt of life. The living, breathing hmmm that surrounds me. I have bright vibrant patches, and dark gray ones alike. The patches on my life quilt make me who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. It keeps me warm when I am cold, the rain off my face when it is storming and wipes the tears from my eyes.

I think of the people whom I have cared for over the many years. The faces, families young and old alike. I think about how the short time they spend in my care somehow made a difference. I look at the people who have told me “I don’t know how you do what you do” I think of the people who have thanked me for being me. I think of the people who have changed me. I think of the people who have walked away from me, with no reason or excuse. Why do these particular people come to mind? That is easy, they are the ones who hurt me the most.

I think of the people who have changed me. I think of the people who have walked away from me, with no reason or excuse. Why do these particular people come to mind? That is easy, they are the ones who hurt me the most. I have had many people that I have let get too close to my heart and broke it without even realizing it.

I think of my mentors, professors, teachers who believed in me, supported me. I think of them because I know that I let them down. I think of the friends that I made along the way of my journey that I let down, the same ones who don’t know what to say when they see me. The ones who just can’t find the right words.

I just need to find away to….