Looking for answers…

This passage was written by me on 7-14-2014. I read the words to day and realized that they still ring true today. 

He and I are on the same path, but as I look up and down I see different faces.  

The daily struggle is real, the love we share is unconditional. 

July 14, 2014

so tonight I find myself… looking for a way… looking for a way of understanding…
When you have a ABI (anoxic brain injury) the way you think is different, the new ways you learn are different, your whole way of life is different.. before a ABI, life was simple, you saw a pile of clothes… you think they need to go to the washer, you see dishes… you think they need to be washed… You drive a car and see the car in front of you with break lights on so you “press the petal to stop” all of these minor tasks are simple, take little if any, thought process… until the thought process that we all have is taken away… it could be as simple as minor processes.. but, in the great depth of the brain one “road block” and your world is different…changed forever in one second. Simple tasks, are now over whelming, frustration is the overall emotion… wishing you were back the way you used to be is your everyday “wish upon a star, or birthday wish…” 
To be the one on the other side and see that on the face of the person who means the world to you is torture. The guilt you feel because your own emotions are not in check, and the one person whom you would give your own life for, can no longer handle the overwhelming flood of emotion, anger and frustration, the powerless look, and feelings.. makes life that much harder… 
People make comments “Steve, is fine…” “Cheryle treats Steve like a child…” “there is nothing wrong with him…” “Steve is lazy..” “Cheryle is a bully to him…” these comments and feeling are untrue, hurtful and unkind… 
The daily struggle that Steve and I go through is enough to last some people a lifetime… I treat him like an adult who has a ABI, not a child… I give options, I make him use the thinking abilities he has…. Its not always easy, I know he will make mistakes, I know he will make the wrong choices, but I have to help him relearn in anyway that I can. I have been doing this since day ONE of his injury… When the doctors said he was fine, he could go back to work, he could drive… I knew when he could barley speak his name, that was not true.. I knew when he could no longer hold a fork to eat, this was untrue… I knew when he fell the first time this was not going to be possible again… 
Yes, he has made Leaps and bounds… by my hard work and effort… We did not get the physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy… I did it all myself.. My hands are bound by the ties of financial restraints. I have had one priority since the day of his injury… to keep our home, and our life we have worked so hard over the years to create. By the love, support and very generous people in our lives we have been blessed to help us during the darkest of days, when we were going to loose it all… I do not ask for help often, or very easily…I believe in the power of do unto others as they do unto you… 
where is all this going… well you see, tonight it was a rough night in the Holmes house… I herd the words i never wanted to hear, the words that Steve has held inside for over one year… he said, “I wish i could go back to being normal… brain damage sucks” that statement may sound funny to you, or not so profound… but the words that my husband spoke was like a amputee saying “i wish I had legs again”… we take being able to do daily tasks, or handling situations with out a thought… The fact that he feels he is not “normal” the fact that he is more sensitive to my emotions… hurts me deeply… 
I’m asking you to think… Think before you speak… Think before you act… think if the next time you woke up, and you could not remember things, you could not walk with out falling, you could not follow a conversation, you never got the punch line of another joke… Think about that…. There is a person you know, or you may not know… who has suffered aABI  and all of those things apply to them… 
Now think about the loved ones who care for them, the wives, daughters, sons, husbands… think about your actions and harsh words… to walk one day in the life of that person…you may not make one step. The laundry does not always get done, the dishes will be piled, the house will not always be in order.
When you see a person who is pushing, pushing, pushing… still finding time for others, helping other, coordinating parties, picking up extra shifts at work… Think about the next time you say ‘Hey, Jackies Party is Thursday… will you make it?” if the answer is “no, I’m working…” or “ill have to see…” please understand the even though a night out would be wonderful, a night off is just what that person needs… its not always possible… The priorities of life change when you decide to stay committed to your loved one. 
The path that we walk is now more rocky than ever, bigger rocks, deeper streams, and higher hills… Knowing that the view from the top will be worth it… thats why we continue to walk the same path that others in the past have so easily jumped off.. Loved ones, friends and family have all made a choice to stay on the path or jump off when it got too difficult… I’m extremely thankful to those of you who have stayed on the path with us…You will enjoy the view when we are done… too those who jumped off… I don’t hate you, I do feel sorry for you, you see that you have missed out on some of the best, worst and most wonderful times in our lives… if you did jump off our path… don’t expect to be welcomed back very easily, for you don’t get to celebrate the view from the top, if you did not put the effort in to get there. 
Its funny to hear people whom you counted as family, confided in, been through hell and back… how fast they jump ship, and then try to walk back in our lives… he may forget, but I never do… 
My love, my world, my purpose… Steve… To the Stars and Moon and back again… I love you!

Thanks again team!  Be the change you want to see in the world today. 

What can I do except keep going forward. I am so close to the top, just a little bit further and I will be able to see the promise land… Tia

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