The hard truth…

Hello  Team,

On this early morning, I find myself looking into the hourglass of time.  Old age is what it is that I speak. If you are lucky enough to live into your 70’s, 80’s or even 90’s you should count yourself lucky right?

We move through life with an expiration date that is on each one of us. The date is unreadable and nonnegotiable. We come into this world knowing that at some point we will leave it. Some of us are lucky enough to have a life filled with family, children, grandchildren. Lifelong friends who become closer than family. Some of us are lucky to have a life of good health, wealth and carefree adventures. Others, find it a daily struggle to put food on the table, provide a little holiday cheer, or simply go a few weeks without a trip to the hospital or doctor.

We find the love of our life and marry them. Taking vowels of sickness and health, richer or poor, til death does us part. Those words are tested many times over and over throughout your lifetime and marriage. Did you ever stop to think what happens when your unable to care for yourself because your mind has betrayed you? What will you do when your unable to care for your spouse of 40 years, because she wanders at night? You have never spent a night apart and now you are faced with a very tough choice to make.  The day you wake and just know you can no longer, do for him, as he has cared for you over the years. Your heart breaks as you take him to his new room. You see the fear in his eyes… You see the tears as they roll down her face when it’s time to go and she does not understand.

You know in your heart that this is the best thing. You know that no matter how much they cry and want to simply “go home” that home is no longer safe. You hold his hand as you visit each day. Getting to know that staff who have now become is everyday family. You sit and see him slowly slipping away, each time just a little further from you into the unknown. You notice that she does not recognize you as she did just two days go, calling you the name of her long since deceased brother. You will dread calling to check on him and the staff telling you, “today has not been a good day”.

You will learn to cherish the moments that she is in the here and now. The ever so brief recognition, that you are her child. You record the moment with a quick snapshot of the big smile on his face because he remembered you don’t like red jello but offers it to you anyhow. You will learn to cherish the days that you come to visit and you hear the staff say “today is a good day, she ate all her food.” You will look through photo books, wishing you had written the names, dates, and story’s down that you had heard so many time.  You will find yourself recalling the same stories over and over to the younger generations so they will be remembered.

As a woman who has no children, I often wonder who will care for me, as my hair turns gray (more than it is now..) Who will make sure that my stories will be remembered. Who will the hospital call when it’s time for the family to come? Who will come for me to hold my hand and tell me its ok to go…

I have been in that same situation a few too many times. Holding the hand of a grandfather, thanking him for welcoming me to his family with open arms. I have said goodbye to aunts and uncles, friends and loved ones.

I have stood, alone in the funeral home next to the casket and said my final goodbyes.

The hard truth is who will stand at my casket?

New beginings

Sometimes in life you need to figure out how to begin again.

As a child you wish nothing more than to grow up as fast as you can. As a teenager you wish nothing more than to want to be an adult. When you are an adult you wish nothing more than to want to go back, and do it over. Take the knowledge that you now have and do it all over again.

As an adult you are constantly starting over, it could be a new job, new state, new marriage, new family. Sometimes you choose to start over and sometimes you don’t. The thing you have to keep telling yourself is sometimes new beginnings are just what you need to grow.

 

Why did you go?

Why did you leave us?

Why did you go? It’s been too many years since you decided without anyone’s permission to leave. That was the way you lived life, so I can see it. You lived life on your terms, so when it was time for you to go, you left on your terms.

Life had taken an unfair turn in the road for our little group of misfits, we called a family. I know that you can not always foresee those things happening, but the heartache that is left behind was devastating. We did not rally around each other, instead we lost each other. Many years of anger, resentment and heartache took its toll on the fragile bond that was left, ultimately tearing it so far apart that it was never truly mended.

You left us. You decided on your own that we did not need you anymore. You left questions unanswered. You left hearts broken. You left those who needed you the most.

I remember like it was yesterday, the night I got the call. Shock, pain, and a hole that has never been filled in my heart. I remember telling Steve, the pain, disbelief and hurt that was on his face. Seeing you days later laying the stillest you had ever been. I stood as tears rolled down my cheek, reaching down taking your hand.    

Your voice in my ear, I will carry you with me until we meet again… ❤

What you really learn in Nursing School

human legs with running shoes on running up steps with words: "I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday"
I can finally see the finish line. The end is near, I am in my last 4 mile stretch…

 

I am not done fighting. I until the last points are handed out… My journey has been filled with delays, roadblocks, success and tears. I have wanted to give up so many times. It was the love, support and encouragement from all of you who are on my team that has kept me going…

Along the way I have made some incredible friendships. I used to hear nursing students before me say “its the hardest thing you will ever do”. “I can’t talk about school… don’t ask. (as tears would form..) “I am sick all the time, I have gained more weight than ever in my life” I can’t eat a thing, I have lost so much weight from stress”.  All the statements’ are true. Those who are answer the calling to become a nurse are among the bravest and strongest souls I have even met. We may not run into the burning building, but we are standing along side of it with the bandages, to care for you. We may not run into the firefight, but we are there with the IV fluids, and gauze to stop the bleeding. We may not protect and serve, but we are there to hold your hand as your take your last breath ensuring you are not alone. In the end, I always hear this:

“It’s all worth it. You will have days you hate it, then you will get up for the next shift and you will make a difference in a persons life, and you will love it all over again…” RN, 33 years.

 

“When you get to the other side, you will see how fast it went..” RN, 5 years

 

“The time, money, tears, and stress…worth every bit of the struggle. It has made me the Nurse I am today.  I would do it all over again..” RN, 20 years

 

I have also seen some of the most determined people do some amazing things. Nursing students never give up. We may fail. We may repeat. We never give up. We find the plan B, C, D, E, F… until we achieve our goal. When we do fail, after the initial shock and overwhelming heartache has passed. We refocus our goals, and figure out what is next for us on our life journey.

I also have learned one great thing about nursing school. You are connected to strangers who become family. You are put on the path with another person who will change your life as much as you will change their life.  I just said this today to someone who crossed my path, who is family for more than one reason. I am thankful for the friendships that I have made. You learn very quickly when you are a Nursing student. Each day you attend a lecture, or walk into your clinical site. The person at your left, and your right may not be there the next time you go. But the friendship you form will last a life time, no matter what you will always stand by that person and they will stand by you.

“People are put on our path of life for a reason…I am glad that our paths crossed. They will continue to cross. Friendships make the beautiful Technicolor quilts of life” Future Nurse

 

Have a beautiful day…Be kind to yourself and each other…

 

Being happy is a good thing…. :)

Hello Team!!!

 

Thank You

Veterans!!!

Raising of the American Flag Iwo Jima

Your service means a lot to me!! I appreciate the sacrifice you and your family made to help keep our country a little safer!!


To those who have served and to those who choose to serve in the future.     Thank you!

I believe that serving your country is a calling. At some point in your life you feel that calling, it could have happened after a tragedy. May be the draft called you. The point is that you answered that call and sore and oath to protect our great country. I am very proud to be an American! I am proud to say thank you to those who served. I have spoken to members from WWI, WWII, Korean War, Vietnam, Gulf War, Afghanistan, and Iraqi war through current deployments. I have listen to history first hand from a gentleman who was a Tuskegee Airmen. I have held the hand of a Vietnam veteran who suffer sever shell shock (PTSD- as we call it now..) after a fire alarms put into extreme fear. I have witnessed first hand the what the family of solders go through, when they are getting ready for deployment, not knowing if their Solder will come home. I have seen the excitement when they finally get to say, “My Solder is HOME”. War is not a movie, or a TV show. It’s real, full of death, heartache, sacrifice, courage and fear. I have attended funerals and listened to taps being played, and
collected the shell casing from the 21-gun solute to honor the fallen.

 

Honoring the armed forces silhouettes with american flag and the seals of each branch of service

 

Veterans day and Memorial Day two different days honoring two types of solders, but the biggest picture is that, it is not about the sales, or the day off from school. It is about honoring those who have served.
Today, I honor those who have served that on the home front, and over seas.  
Stay Safe; Thank You for answering the call.

From Land, Air, Sea. I solute you!

Well this will be a short check in today! I have had a great morning so far… I am feeling extra positive today. It has been a whirlwind of a semester to date. I have meet some great life long friends and been able to reconnect with older ones. I have put my best foot forward, and like always I am not willing to give up just yet…
You have to believe in yourself to be the person you want to be. I also know that when your confidence is shaken, the best way to get it back is take a step back and re-examine some of what you have been through, what you have over come. You sometimes need to be reminded why you are doing something, and it really is worth it on the other end. I am so close; I am digging deep inside and pulling from my strength reserve to keep going. I will not give up. I will prove not only to myself but also to the world that I deserve this and I will be an amazing RN! I will pledge to be the voice they cannot be. I was born to do this, and I will do this…

American flag with sun shining through the blue/stars

 

Have a super fantastic day!!

Be Kind to yourself and each other…

 

Maryland flag Black and gold with red and white