The one I can’t open…

I look at the envelope every day. I have almost ripped the seal a few times. I have even almost ripped it in half. I threw it in the trash once, but I took it back out again. I placed it on my bedside table. Some days I forget about it. Some days it’s the only thing I think about.  The words on this letter are just too painful for me to read.

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One day I’ll get another letter just like this one. The words and the dates will be different on my new letter.  I’ll open it right away, and I will smile.  I know that I will I smile.

I feel like every time I get excited that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Every time I get little butterflies in my stomach thinking about being at the end, its taken away from me.  

I’m not one to be all ‘boohoo…feel sorry for me…’ even if I feel like the last 6 weeks I have been a big pile of … “Poor me…”  

I do know that I can say this with full honesty. The next letter that I get in the mail, I will not be as excited as I should be. That part of me broke on Jan 30, 2016. I don’t know how to get it back. 

Today marks a big day in my journey.  Just 6 weeks ago I was in the trauma center at PG hospital. I was alone; black and blue, broken, bleeding and crying. I had so many unanswered questions, and uncertainties.  Fast forward to today… the bruises have healed; the cuts have scared over…yet the tears have not stopped. 

I know the tears will stop, I know that in a few years I will put all of this behind me and I will feel true joy again. I know that I will have my day, but I just don’t think I’ll be as excited as I should be. Only time will tell. 

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