Smiling on the outside, but dying on the inside

Even on my weakest day, I try to smile… In between naps, I scan my newsfeed or my email. I look at text messages that have come in while I have slept. I respond with true feelings, I show enthusiasm for those who have gotten the job; passed their boards, or gotten the email saying they are on track for graduation. I am so proud of all of my friends. I watched them suffer through long hours of notes and lectures. I have helped them along the way by giving encouragement when it was needed. A friendly push in the right direction when they felt lost or overwhelmed. I will continue to smile and cheer. My heart is happy for them because I know they deserve all the cheers and congratulations. The hard work and dedication paid off for them. They reached their goal and now they deserve to enjoy the time in the spotlight. I will be at the pinning ceremony this May. I will be Cheering, and clapping for my best friend and classmates. I will be at the graduation ceremony, to watch them walk across the stage. I will be cheering and clapping the loudest. I will show my pride and love for them!

 

While I will not lie, it hurts me to the core. The goals and dreams that I want for myself are the same. I have put at the time; I have put in the hard work, the hours, dedication and commitment. Why is it that everything that I have to go through takes so much longer, it’s so much harder for me. Why am I the one who is suppose to sit and cheer on my friends, cheer on classmates…Why am I the one who has to again, put my future on hold. Why am I the one who again, has to push back my graduation another 6 months? Why am I the one who again, has to restart the final term, but this time when I restart school in the fall I will be alone. I will not be with friends, I will not be with the ones who I will study with, I will not be with the ones who know my story. I will be with strangers that I will become new friends. I will have to work through the term on my own. I will dig through pages of notes, slides. I will be with another new group of graduates, which will stand at my side during the pinning ceremony. I will not walk across the stage, in a cap and gown; I will not be pinned with my friends. I know that I will have my day, I will have my spotlight…but it will be different. It will feel different, to me. 
I don’t tell you this out of pity. I don’t share this with you for sympathy. I share this because my life was changed, put on hold, altered. The choice that one person made has changed my future and my life. People keep asking me about her, “How is she?” “What have I herd?” Let me be as clear as I can be without being rude… To be 100% honest with you, I don’t care. I feel for her family, that is suffering during this time and that is all. The driver of the car that hit me, head on choose to get behind the wheel of the car, when she should not have. The driver of the car that crashed into me head-on that ruined my school career, that put my life on hold, The driver of the car that totaled my car, broke my body, made a life changing decision, that not only changed her life but mine. To say that I am angry is true; to say that my spirit feels broken on some days is true. The driver of the car that put me in a trauma center hospital for 6 very long days could have taken my life. There was one point that I really thought I was going to die, but I lived. I am grateful that I lived, but at what cost? I am physically and mentally broken. I am in danger of losing everything that I have worked so hard for. 

One thought on “Smiling on the outside, but dying on the inside”

  1. Cheryle, Things will get better for you and you will be able to return to your life soon, just try to be patient every day and take one day at the time! All of this I know has to be over-whelming when looking ahead to the future, so, take one day at a time and thank God that you did survive every day. Maybe start a gratitude booklet or journal of your daily feelings would help you. I will continue to pray for you every day. God knows you and how hard you are working to change things in your life. Give your worries to him….God bless you.

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