This morning as I wake early to work on an assignment for school. I as normal had some issues staying focused. I was gonna take my ADD meds but . . . I have to sleep today so I can work tonight. This could be a problem. If I don’t take my meds I may never be able to focus and finish my post before I have to lay back down to nap; oh, I have an appointment this morning I need to take that into consideration.
Reflection: Stress makes my ADD worse, knowing that the man who has been in my life for the past 23 years as my father is having heart surgery on Friday has added to my stress, fear, and anxiety. Knowing that I can not ease the stress, fear, and anxiety Steve is feeling for his Dad; heartbreaking.
This morning I woke up feeling guilty. I woke up with the dreaded feeling knowing that I have bills that need to be paid, money that needs to be found to pay for life-saving medication for my husband; I don’t know where the money is going to come from.
Reflection: Deciding last night to spend some much needed time with my bestie and spend my last $40 on dinner and a movie that provided laughter, stress relief, reconnection with myself as “Cheryle” still feels like the right choice.
I don’t know how I am going to do it all. I don’t know how I will keep my house, I don’t know how I will find a way to keep my body going before surgery is no longer “when I can find the time and money to do it” I don’t know how much longer I will be able to keep going. All I can do is try…
The other side of the hill, is not that bad of a place to be. On June 24th I turned 40. In the short time that I have been 40, I have learned a few things.
1. I am sick to death of pleasing other people. I have spend my whole life being a people pleaser…No longer. Its time people do what it takes to make me happy.
2. I will live my life the way that I want to live it. I am going to take what I have and go with it. I am a gyspy at heart and simply I will live that way without regret.
3. I am done giving people excuses for bad behavior. “She is young…” “He does not understand…” no more! It’s time people start taking responsibility for his / her own actions. I live my life with an attitude that “I don’t make excuses”. I own up to my mistakes, and I am a true person. Others need to learn that and start living that way.
4. The friends who have not left your side are the ones who count, and no one else (This statement needs no further explanation)
I have done a lot of reflecting on my life that past few weeks. Thinking back to the people who have touched it in some way. I count my blessings very carefully and I am thankful to the people in my life. I also, think back to those people who at one time or another were more important to me than my own self or needs. I think about those who left me, dropped me, broke up with me, or simply faded away from me. Then I remembered those who stayed, got closer, handed me a tissue when I cried, or called at just the right time. Two groups of people that served two very different purposes. I’m thankful for both.
40 is not so bad, I used to think it was old. Now, I realize its just changing rows on my quilt of life.
Happy 40 to me!