Life on the Island..

I have been living on an Island for the past 2 weeks. Everything that I possibly could need is within arms reach of my Island. Computers, to notebooks, pens, and textbooks all within arms reach of my Island. The times that I travel from my Island I am never alone. I get an escort to the bathroom, and to my second smaller Island in the other room. My Island has become my office where I have to spent countless hours reading and calculating chemical equations. My Island is where I sleep, day or night depending on how many hours I spent working on the previous list of complex calculations. My Island is Physical therapy. From laying with my leg on foam inclines to raise my ankle to help decrease the swelling. My Island is my cold therapy oasis when the ice packs are wrapped under and around my ankle and knee to decrease the inflammation and ease my swollen joints. My Island is where just yesterday that I was able to make my very first 1/4 circle with my newly tightened ankle.  Notice I said, 1/4 turn. I am working on a full rotation. My Island is where I greet my visitors. My friends who have been with me every day either virtually or physically. From facetime, text message, phone calls to snap chat I can say that I have not been alone. My Island is also my prison. With just the view through the front windows, where I can see but not touch. My Island is solitary confinement when the house is sleeping and I am awake sitting on my Island.

My Island…I am thankful for my healing Island

 

Rebuilding my life one section at a time

 Education:

     As you know, I am a full-time student at American Public University. I am in the BS Public Health program. I am taking two classes every eight weeks. That translates into working 35-50 hours per week on my studies. I have completed four courses, and my current GPA is 3.9. One of my goals is to maintain my GPA at a 3.9 or higher throughout the continuation of my program.

I always knew that online college would be a challenge for me. Having ADD is a challenge for any student in a regular classroom, but the problems of an online class are tenfold when you have ADD. A person must be very organized, focus and have the ability to keep to a timeline.  When you are an Online learner, you give up the commute and hours sitting in a classroom listening to a lecture and taking notes and spending hours in the library or at home reading, studying and completing assignments. Online learners must teach themselves the material given by the instructors. We rely on weekly forum posts for classroom dialog, hours of reading and pulling as many resources as possible to connect the concepts to make sense.

Over the years of being a student, I have been able to adapt to any situation being a student. I have sought out and used many different resources for study tips, organization tips, note taking…I could go on. The system that I find works best for me is to use a combination of old tech and new tech. I use pen and paper, printed notes, highlighters, textbooks, whiteboards. I also use my iPad, pencil, ebooks and online with my laptops. Many look at my system and say “that’s too much”. My mind has to use all of those things to learn. That has been the key to my success.

My current term started on Nov. 6. This term has been a more significant challenge for me than the last two. I am taking Chemistry with Lab and Food and Culture. The Food and Culture class is a combination of Psychology, Sociology, and Nutrition all mixed together. So far the week has been introduction and reading. I would say that the reading assignments this week are fascinating. I loved when I took both Psychology and Sociology since I find the study of both fascinating. Take that and mix it with why we eat, what we eat

The Food and Culture class is best described as Psychology, Sociology, and Nutrition all mixed together. So far the week has been introduction and reading. I would say that the reading is very interesting. I loved when I took both Psychology and Sociology since I find the study of both fascinating. Take that and mix it with why we eat, what we eat.

Chemistry with Lab online, yes that is exactly what I said. I know I have said for years that I would not ever take Chemistry. I will admit that I am scared out of my mind to not be successful but I am up for the challenge. Taking a Lab class that is full hands-on via computer is strange but so far it is interesting. I have been spending many hours this week getting not only organized for my class but reading, watching lab videos.

At this time this is all I have for an education update….Stay tuned… more updates to come.

 

Depression how deep did it go…

Over the last few days, I have been Looking over my “on this day…” on my Facebook feed. I am reminded of this time last year when I was at the start of my deep depression. I held the smiling mask for months over my tear streaked face, so the world world did not see. I faced the hardest part of recovery, law suit, hardest most painful days and nights not just physically but mentally.

I faced issues in all aspects of my life, home, work, school and every bit that came with it. Physical pain, mental anguish, nightmares, flashbacks, solitary nights, I could go on .

My public face stayed positive, high spirited but internationally I was in a deep dark place that even I did not recognize being in. It took months before my amazing doctor who sat in the chair across from me while I entered into a complete ugly cry, over one simple question “how are you?”. He took one look at me and said “your depressed.” Those words started another round of melt down. Why did I not recognize the symptoms or signs? Why did no one else? Was I that good at masking? 

Depression, it is the silent killer no one wants to talk about. It’s the silent lover that tears marriages apart. It’s the silent bearer that comes between friends and loved ones.

After a year I still battle with depression and generalized Anxiety disorder. It is a daily struggle that for me day I hope win the battle.

Team, thanks for being you!!

 

Cheers!

 

How are really feel about it

Life is a competition, yet I am not interested in Competing with anyone.

I am running my own marathon. I am not running against anyone but time. I am not interested in being better than anyone else. I am honest, strait forward, and put others before myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am loyal to a fault. I am sensitive to others feelings, over my own. I think before I speak, and know how to swallow my pride for the sake and feelings of others. This does not make me a “door mat” to be walked on and taken advantage of. This does not make me weak.

I have faced death. I know the feeling of being within inches of loosing my husband. I have felt the feeling that I was going to die. I value my friendships, because I know in a moments notice life can change and you can die.

I did not and do not compete in school with classmates.
I do not compete at work with anyone.
I do not compete with my family.
I do not compete with my friends.
I am not interested…I have enough of my own struggles to worry about beating others at the game of life.

I believe in forgive and forget, counting on each other for support. Over the years, I have lost family and friends for silly reasons, miscommunication, and simple pride.

Simply my thoughts for the day.

 

Cheers Cheryle

Reflection

This morning as I wake early to work on an assignment for school. I as normal had some issues staying focused. I was gonna take my ADD meds but . . . I have to sleep today so I can work tonight. This could be a problem. If I don’t take my meds I may never be able to focus and finish my post before I have to lay back down to nap; oh, I have an appointment this morning I need to take that into consideration.

Reflection: Stress makes my ADD worse, knowing that the man who has been in my life for the past 23 years as my father is having heart surgery on Friday has added to my stress, fear, and anxiety. Knowing that I can not ease the stress, fear, and anxiety Steve is feeling for his Dad; heartbreaking.

This morning I woke up feeling guilty. I woke up with the dreaded feeling knowing that I have bills that need to be paid, money that needs to be found to pay for life-saving medication for my husband; I don’t know where the money is going to come from.

Reflection: Deciding last night to spend some much needed time with my bestie and spend my last $40 on dinner and a movie that provided laughter, stress relief, reconnection with myself as “Cheryle” still feels like the right choice.

 

I don’t know how I am going to do it all. I don’t know how I will keep my house, I don’t know how I will find a way to keep my body going before surgery is no longer “when I can find the time and money to do it” I don’t know how much longer I will be able to keep going. All I can do is try…

 

Look who’s 40

The other side of the hill, is not that bad of a place to be. On June 24th I turned 40. In the short time that I have been 40, I have learned a few things.

1. I am sick to death of pleasing other people. I have spend my whole life being a people pleaser…No longer. Its time people do what it takes to make me happy.

2. I will live my life the way that I want to live it. I am going to take what I have and go with it. I am a gyspy at heart and simply I will live that way without regret.

3. I am done giving people excuses for bad behavior. “She is young…” “He does not understand…” no more! It’s time people start taking responsibility for his / her own actions. I live my life with an attitude that “I don’t make excuses”. I own up to my mistakes, and I am a true person. Others need to learn that and start living that way.

4. The friends who have not left your side are the ones who count, and no one else (This statement needs no further explanation)

I have done a lot of reflecting on my life that past few weeks. Thinking back to the people who have touched it in some way. I count my blessings very carefully and I am thankful to the people in my life. I also, think back to those people who at one time or another were more important to me than my own self or needs. I think about those who left me, dropped me, broke up with me, or simply faded away from me. Then I remembered those who stayed, got closer, handed me a tissue when I cried, or called at just the right time. Two groups of people that served two very different purposes. I’m thankful for both.

40 is not so bad, I used to think it was old. Now, I realize its just changing rows on my quilt of life.

Happy 40 to me!

 

Fathers Day letter to my Dad:

 

Dear Dad,

Since today is Fathers Day, I wanted to write you this letter, for it contains my Fathers Day gift to you.

I was born on June 24, 1977, and you got the most precious gift of all, me. A beautiful, baby girl with brown eyes and little wisps of hair on top of my head. You were given a gift that something that some men would love to have but never will, a daughter. You were given chance after, chance, time and time again. You could have shared so much, of my life. You could have held my hand when I got my heart broken for the first time. You could have been there when I lost my best friend to tell me it would be ok. You did get to see one great accomplishment, you were able to see me Graduate from High School. I only know because you dropped the photo book off a few weeks later. You could have taught me to drive a car. You could have been there the day Steve asked for my hand in marriage. You could have been there, to walk me down the isle, and dancing with me on my wedding day. You could have been there the day we picked up the keys to our first home. You could have been there when I burnt my first Thanksgiving dinner. You could have come to see our first Christmas tree. You could have been one of the first visitors in our new house. I could have called you the day; I almost lost my best friend and husband. You could have hugged me and told me, “everything was going to be ok” even if you did not know it would be. I could have called you to tell you that I got accepted to the Nursing program, and could have cried to you the day I failed. You could have come to the hospital the day, I almost died. You could have hugged me when I was so depressed; I did not think I could live another day.  You should have been standing in the crowd this May when I graduated from college. You should have done so many things that Dad’s should do.

Over and over, time and time again I did my best to fit into your new life. I spend years trying to fit into your new family. All the years you should have been watching me grow into the woman that I am today. All the times you were being the best husband to your new wife. The perfect Step-dad to your new children. Think of all the firsts you experienced with your grandchildren, becoming the best grandparent they could ever ask for. All that time, you missed out on being my dad.

Father’s Day is such a hard day for me, ever since I was 14 years old, you see that was the first official fathers day without you in my life. You see I was just 13 years old the day, you left me crying on the swing in our back yard because I just was not mature enough at the time to understand. I was 3 years old, when you said, “you were unhappy”. I lived many years blaming myself for your unhappiness. So many harsh words have been spoken, so many feelings have been hurt. The scars run too deep to ever go away. The pain that has been buried so deep inside, sometimes come to the surface hurt all over again.

I want you to know that each year on Fathers Day, I still give you a gift. Each year for Fathers Day you receive a gift from your first daughter. It is the only gift that I can give you that does not hurt me. Your gift is your new family. I want you to enjoy this day with your family. I want you to spend the day with your grandchildren, step-children, and wife. I want them to celebrate you. I want them to know the man that I never got a chance to meet. I want them to know the father you can be, the face in the crowd when they hit that home run. I want them to know the sound of your voice, your laugh and the secrets to life as only you can tell it. You see, each year on Fathers Day, I do think of you, and I give you that very special gift knowing that that gift will last you all year.

Being a parent is more than the good times, happy celebrations and cheering from the stands. Being a parent is sticking it out good times and bad. Hard times and hardest of times. Being a parent is about knowing that, adult issues and problems have nothing to do with your two children.   When you decided to become a parent, you signed a lifetime contract that may require you to help me when I am short on money to pay a bill. You may be required to put up with my bad attitude because I have been up for 3o plus hours because of work and school.

So, Dad, I guess what I am saying is that this letter is for you. I am sure that someone will direct it to you. You also may never read the words that I have written, that is ok too.

Happy Fathers Day,

Cheryle

 

Emotionless
Hey dad
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you, that I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your son?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we’re all right?
But we’re all right
We’re all right
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re alright
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that I’m still alive
The days I spent so cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
Those scars run deep inside this tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take, to my grave
But I’m okay
I’m okay
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that I’m still alive
Yeah, I’m still alive
Sometimes
I forgive
Yeah and this time
I’ll admit
That I miss you, said I miss you
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that were still alive
And sometimes
I forgive
And this time
I’ll admit, that I miss you, miss you
Hey dad

April has been full of great happenings…

Hello TEAM!!! Happy April to you all…

So far the month has been filled with great and exciting things happing for the Holmes family…

Happy 40th Birthday to my world, my one and only… Steve!

Steve turned 40 on the 21st! We had a wonderful celebration over the weekend. We got 1/2 bushel of beautiful blue swimmers, that were steamed to a beautiful red color then sprinkled with yummy old bay seasoning. We had corn on the cob, steamed shrimp, and ice cold beer. The next night we Grilled steak with veggie kabobs and introduced Chris to Hopkins dairy ice cream…YUMM.  The most important thing was we had good times, laughs and made many memories. On Monday night had a wonderful dinner with two of our closest friends and added more laughs, and good times was had by all.

man and woman standing side by side
Happy Birthday to my love
bushel basket with lid
ymmmm.. this is filled with cooked crabs for Steve’s 40th Birthday!
Steve showing off his Birthday crabs…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

man in red shirt eating a crab claw, smiling
Chris enjoying his crabs on Steves 40th Birthday Celebration

Another grand celebration this month is we got a visit from Chris. He has spent several days with us, prior to heading up north for work.  We have traveled all over DE and MD for the past few days. Lots of smiles, laughs, good times and memories. From Thrashers at the beach to yummy crab cakes MD style to hot steamed crabs and beer. He has been able to spend lots of time with nana and mom that has been great. We missed having his beautiful wife Lisa with him this trip. She makes our family complete!

 

If you know much of anything about me, you know that my brother is not only my biggest supporter but my hero! I do not know where I would be without him or his guidance. I do my best to make him proud each day. We are on opposite ends of this great country but I know that with a moment’s notice, he will move heaven and earth to be here if I need him.

 

Now, in true Cheryle fashion… I have saved the best news for last… see what good little things you get if you read to the end of my post….

 

picture of graduation announcement, picture of girl in cap and gown
Mischief Managed!! I am finally GRADUATING!


First, I am officially announcing my GRADUATION from AACC.

On May 25, 2017, I will walk across the stage and receive my Associates Arts Degree from Anne Arundel Community College. As you know, my dream is to become an RN, sometimes our dreams have to be put on hold so we can full fill our destiny. This is not the degree that I wanted when I started, but I earned it. I dedicated the past 5 plus years to my education, and I will take this degree with a smile knowing that hard work, determination, and dedication made it possible. I am very proud of myself for bing able to check this box off.

 

university seal
BS Public Health

My other news, that some of you have been patiently waiting for…I am proud to announce that I have been officially accepted to a Bachelors of Science program at American Public University in West Virginia. I will be pursuing my BS in Public Health. I start classes at the university in July.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking… “she wanted to be a Nurse?” Yes, I did and YES I DO. Once I earn my BS Public Health I will be able to apply to a BS Nursing program. I will have taken nursing classes so I will have that under my belt. Once I have my BS Public Health and my BS Nursing and my Masters degree. I will be able to pursue my dream of becoming an educator in the healthcare field.

The universe threw me a curve ball, so hit it and have to go where it goes. I will not give up my dream or my goals it will just take me longer than I planned. I will be taking a full course load each term. I know the commitment that I am signed up for and I know that I will be able to do it. I’ll just have to remember the 3 D’s: Destination, Determination, and Deliberation….oh wait that’s how you Apparate. Well, I feel that the same things apply to school.  “one must be completely determined to reach one’s destination, and move without haste but with deliberation.” according to  Wilkie Twycross, Ministry of Magic the official Apparition Instructor.

I’ll just have to remember the 3 D’s: Destination, Determination, and Deliberation….oh wait that’s how you Apparate. Well, I feel that the same things apply to school.  “one must be completely determined to reach one’s destination, and move without haste but with deliberation.” according to  Wilkie Twycross, Ministry of Magic the official Apparition Instructor.

The biggest thing now is coming up with the funds to pay for the next step in my educational journey. I will do what I can, and make it happen somehow…

 

I have been slacking a little bit on blogging, for that I am sorry. I have had several things in the works and working very hard on them. I am very busy at work, climbing the clinical, balancing life, career, family and self. The balance is nothing new, it’s just a new balance.

Well, my friends, for now, that is all… I will leave you with all of this goodness.

Don’t forget to leave comments in the guestbook, let me know you have stopped in to say hello!

 

 

Beautiful

Hello! It’s a fantastic Wednesday! The sun is shining, the air is warm. I am able to spend some time with steve before my crazy work week starts.

My positive thought for today:

“keep swimming, no matter how rough the water is…you will make it to land”

What is your positive thought of the day?

fight another day…

I have often said “the one thing that I want people to say about me, is ‘because of her, I did not give up'”

The past few months I have wanted to give up each step of the way. I have spent hours, thinking about what I am going to do with my future. I have spent hours and hours trying to re-invent myself.  I have looked into different careers. I have spent hours trying to figure out how I can have the future that I want. I have spent hours thinking “will I be happy doing something else?”

I was reminded most recently, that someone, in fact, thinks of me as a hero. Someone that I meet by chance and a friendship bloomed. We have never met face to face but I consider her a friend. I have such respect for this person, she is a beautiful person both inside and out. She has been through tough times and fought tooth and nail to accomplish her goals. Most recently she had to make a very tough decision. When the decision was made she reached out to me, for words of wisdom, advice, and comfort.  In one way she and I have walked the same yet different path. My heart breaks for this young soul, for I am truly sad that she is going through this tough time.

I also, want to tell her “I’m sorry, I feel that I failed you…” I was supposed to succeed. I was the one who was to beat all the odds. I was the one who was not supposed to give up, just keep getting up and fighting. Hero’s are not supposed to let people down.

I know that in my heart that I did not personally fail her, and maybe she does not agree with me, and yes I know that many of you reading this who personally know me do not agree with me.

I will continue work hard to beat the odds, get up each time I am knocked down for you, my friend and for the others who look up to me….I will fight another day.

Heart broken all over again….

I just got the call I wanted more than anything…the call that I waited months for. I got a call to interview for a New Graduate position, on the observation unit at the very hospital that I work for. It was one of my top 3 positions I wanted more than anything. I guess with everything that happened I forgot to withdraw my applications. I am glad that I missed the call, but simply heartbroken after hearing the message. Now, I may not have been the first pick, I probably was one of the last. To me that does not matter, what matters is they wanted to at least give me a chance. I now have to find the strength, courage, to call them back and tell them “I’m sorry, I did not graduate from the top nursing school in MD. I failed by 5 points. Good Luck in your search…thank you for considering me.”

I can feel the dark cloud over my head, the cold rattling sound, the same feeling one gets when 100 dementors are looming overhead. The feeling that all the happiness in the world has been taken from you. The pain from the knife that has been cut so deep that the wound may never heal. I am looking for the silver lining. I am looking for the positive spark of light, I am looking for my patronus to clear the path. I just don’t see it nor do I think I can make the spell work properly.

 

If I could give any advice to students, future students, and their families. I would say this find a way to financially support the student so he/she does not need to work during school. I know that it is possible, I am not saying that it is not possible. I am saying that to simply be able to focus all your time and attention on your studies and school will make the biggest difference.

 

3 days…

When the world feels upside down, you can only hope that it is temporary. My world has been upside down for the past 8 weeks, but that is not really true. That is a lie. My world has been upside down for the past several years. I have been waiting for the glasses to be removed, so my world can turn right again. I was reminded of one of my favorite episodes of Bones, the other day. In the episode, the case involves Bones investigating a case that the murder victim lives a parallel life to Bones. The investigation digs deep into her psyche and she gets wrapped up in the case as she does she loses part of herself. It was the security guard who brings Bones back to herself.

“…they set up a bunch of people who wore glasses that made them see the world upside down. after a while, they were made to take off the glasses and instead of seeing things right side up, everything was upside down. after three days, they could see the world right side up again because it takes the brain three days to adjust.” Bones

That particular episode was more about Bones realizing she did not want to be alone, and that she really did love, Booth. If you are not a fan of the show then that does not mean much to you, that is ok. My meaning is far different. I keep trying to find the meaning in why things happen to me. The meaning in how to change things that are out of my control. I know that I can not bend the universe or fate.

Another quote that comes to my mind is “have the bad things been outweighing the good things all theses years and I just never noticed?” Abby Sciuto.  This particular quote comes from my other favorite show, NCIS.

 

Happy March…

Welcome Back with a New look!

It has been a long few months. My page has been under construction and today the team worked very hard and got me back up and running.

Big Thank You!! Chris and Lisa, you’re both amazing.

I have been doing a lot of searching the past few weeks. I have had to make and still am in the process of making some big life changes. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection over the past several weeks.  I have and still need to decide what my next step is going to be in regards to school, my career, and life.

I have worked for the past 7 years on one goal, earning my RN degree. I sacrificed, myself, family, friends knowing that in the end, it would be worth it. I was working full-time night shift, full-time school schedules knowing each semester I only had 15 weeks and I would be done. Then my life changed forever on January 30, 2016. You know my story, so I will not bore you with the details again. If you are new to my team then feel free to explore my page.

I thought I was ready to go back to school. I thought that I was finally able to move forward.  I had a short time that I thought I had a handle on my PTSD. The stress of school; continued pain, and the news of needing another surgery was too much for me. The nightmares started again. The feeling of being trapped. The acrid burning smell of the airbag, and the hot wires. The flashes of the car coming at me. Insomnia night after night… that’s when the depression hit me. It was early September 2016. I was a few weeks into my final term. I fell into the deepest depression I have every experienced in my life. Each day I pushed forward wearing a mask, so no one would see just how much I was hurting and suffering.

I spend each day, fighting the darkness that lives inside of me. Most days, I am able to hide behind the mask that I show to the world. Somedays I just simply cannot fight the darkness.

 

In the days, weeks, and months ahead.

 

Often I think about how funny life is. I reflect on the choices I have made in the past. I think about the people who have come and gone from my life. I think about the people who have come and gone from my heart. I think back to the days when life was carefree and easy. I remember the laughs, inside jokes, and the times that made me feel alive.

I often think about the people in my life past and present. The people who have helped to shape the person that I am today.  It does not matter how long or short someone touches your life, the moment that you meet them, you are forever changed.  Every day you meet new people, in line at the bank, standing to wait for your coffee. Even if you don’t share more than a glance or smile. When you are driving to work, you stop at red light and glance to your left and right (I know you do, don’t deny it). You think even for an instant “hmm he needs a hair cut” or “that music is too loud” or “heeeelllllooooo hotness”. The thoughts form even if they are not in your conscious mind. Then the light turns green and you are off again going about your day, moving on to the next person.

The people that you work with, customers that you take care of, even if you move on never to think of them again, they impacted your life or better yet you impacted their life. The kindness that you showed, the way you made them feel. They carried something with them from your interaction.

Thinking about the people who have impacted my life over the past 39 years…

The special people whom I hold near and dear to my heart. The ones who are no longer with me, but will never really leave me. I can still hear the voices and the laughter of our final conversations we shared. Our final goodbye’s, promises that were made and the ones that did not get the final words spoken to me. The lessons that I learned from the aging men, who fought for our freedom. The stories of lost love, forbidden love and the children they left behind. The funny stories that I will never forget and the history lessons I did not even know I was learning.

Those people who are special enough to find a place in my heart.  Imagine tiny drawers with initials on the front of each with a small golden keyhole.  Each person that you let into your heart earns a drawer and a golden key.  The golden key is special to each person who possesses it. Some drawers I  had to lock knowing it could never be opened again,  while some are locked not by me but the key holder.  The hardest part is when the drawer is left open and the key is lost. It’s like an ache that will never go away.

I started to think about the people who make up my technicolor quilt of life. The living, breathing hmmm that surrounds me. I have bright vibrant patches, and dark gray ones alike. The patches on my life quilt make me who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. It keeps me warm when I am cold, the rain off my face when it is storming and wipes the tears from my eyes.

I think of the people whom I have cared for over the many years. The faces, families young and old alike. I think about how the short time they spend in my care somehow made a difference. I look at the people who have told me “I don’t know how you do what you do” I think of the people who have thanked me for being me. I think of the people who have changed me. I think of the people who have walked away from me, with no reason or excuse. Why do these particular people come to mind? That is easy, they are the ones who hurt me the most.

I think of the people who have changed me. I think of the people who have walked away from me, with no reason or excuse. Why do these particular people come to mind? That is easy, they are the ones who hurt me the most. I have had many people that I have let get too close to my heart and broke it without even realizing it.

I think of my mentors, professors, teachers who believed in me, supported me. I think of them because I know that I let them down. I think of the friends that I made along the way of my journey that I let down, the same ones who don’t know what to say when they see me. The ones who just can’t find the right words.

I just need to find away to….

 

What I should be doing…

Something happened today that I feel I need to talk about. Each morning when I wake up I check my calendar (you know how much I love my calendar and planning)

written on today’s date written in “purple” pen was the following:

Last Day of Clinical at AAMC

Last Day in WHITE

Final exam Monday!

I should be preparing for my final exam. I should be done with my last group project. I should be getting ready for my final convocation. I should be preparing for the biggest exam of my life. I should be going on interviews for nursing jobs, and thinking about what the future will hold. I should be preparing to start my BSN program. I should be ready to have my husband come home for good. I should be ready to finally start our adult life together.

Today, I should have been excited to say that it was my last day of clinical. I should be posting pictures of my last day wearing my “whites”

The words that are written above I wrote on May 4, 2016.  I finally got to do most of those things. When the depression took over, I felt like I was blocked, cut off from what I was supposed to be doing.

Today, almost one year later from writing those words, I wake from my slumber each day hoping that the nightmare is over. I wake each day hoping that the past year has been a dream. I wake each day hoping that all of this is for a purpose. I have dedicated my life to others. I simply just want to know what my purpose really is, and that all of the heartache is for a reason.

2017 A chance to start over…

Hello, Team…

Good Bye 2016!!

Well, I am not sure what I even have to say about 2016 other than, Good Bye! I sit here and think about one year ago and the dreams and goals I had set for myself.  I think about how hard I worked to accomplish my goals I had set for myself. I think about the sleepless nights, days, and time away from my family and in the end, I did not accomplish anything…

I can not forget the love that I have been shown over the past several years while I struggled during school. The support, encouragement and understand helped me make it when I did not think I could.

I have been shaping myself into a round peg over the past 6 years. Every second of every day, was spend shaping myself to fit a very specific type of hole. Sanding layer by layer, to fit exactly where I want to be. That process took more of myself than I ever imagined.

I now find that I was shaping myself for the wrong shape hole. I now am a round peg that does not fit into the square hole.

“I am a round peg trying to fit into a square hole “

I have been looking and looking to find the round hole that I fit into but I can not, that is a feeling that I do not think will ever go away. In many ways, I feel stuck, yet again I do not feel that I can control anything. I simply have to put a smile on my face and yet again, rearrange my life. I do not know where the new year will take me, but I know that I can’t go back to where I was…

 

 

Hello 2017

I have been able to spend the past week with my brother and his wonderful wife. We have shared laughs and made memories that will last a lifetime.  I have some exciting things on the books for this year. New parts of teamcheryle.com and exciting adventures planned.

Steve and I are on our first Adventure of the year and could not be happier. A Ferry ride to Cape May, NJ and three days of adventure! Keep an eye out for me, you never know where I will pop up…

Don’t forget to comment/ sign my guest book…

 

The 5 exam points that failed my family…

As I sit here waiting….I think about the 5 exam points that failed my family.

I have been told, God closed this door because it not the path I am suppose to take. I have been told, to refocus on what I really want to do. I have even been told that, well this means that nursing is not for you…

5 exam points is what I lacked to earn the grade of B. 5 exam points is what kept me from walking across the stage today and graduating.

In the year of 2016, my Senior semester of nursing school, I survived 2 car accidents (one that I could have died), surgery…yet each day I smiled. On a daily basis I deal with PTSD, severe depression and anxiety…yet each day I smile. I was handed court papers stating I was being sued over an accident that was not my fault, that was to take place the week prior to my first exam…yet I smiled. I worked full time the entire time in nursing school went days without sleep, yet I smiled. I have not lived with my husband for over one year so I could focus on school, yet each day I smile. I dealt with stress of bills I could not pay, fear of a pending law suit, and the knowledge that when I was done I would need to deal with my second accident, yet each day I smiled. I came home each night to an empty home, eating dinners at my desk, yet I smiled. I would wake each day at 0430, only after going to bed at 0130, and yet I smiled.

I spend hours, morning, noon and night studying, while even not realizing that I most likely have undiagnosed post concussion syndrome. I deal with aches and pains from my injured body, yet I smile each day…I dealt with disability accommodations that were not met, yet I smiled…I took care of myself as best I could knowing that the finish line was in sight, yet I still smiled. I held back tears and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I felt from missing my world, the one who completes me, yet I smiled. I hid my feelings of sadness, fear and emotion so that the world would only see my smile, reminding myself each day…”you are almost done”.

I fell 5 exam points short…5 exam points that failed my family. 5 exam points that would have made the difference for the future for steve and I. 5 exam points that missed the “minimum required exam points if 188” making all other work, assignments and projects null and void. 5 exam points that should have earned me a B, but more importantly my future.

As you sit and read this post, know that I do not blame anyone for my 5 exam point failure. Not anyone who was going to help me study, anyone who simply knew I would do it, not anyone who…does it matter?

In 2008 I woke up one day, and decided to go to nursing school. Since that time I have experienced more than more 30 year veteran nurses. From CCU, surgery, med-surg, hospice, illness, wound care, ventilator care, PT, OT, rehabilitation, ADL’s, respiratory, medication issues, trauma, orthopedics, GI… I have spend 45 plus hours at the bedside holding the hand of a very sick patient not knowing if he was going to live or die. I have held the hand of a man telling him it was ok to let go..I sat for hours ina hospice room watching and waiting for the final breaths to come, and the pain to stop… I could go on… What do I lack? 5 exam points that gives me the official education to say, I am a nurse graduate.

All through Nursing school I earned A’s and B’s…except my one last class that shows a D, because of missing 5 exam points. I went from a B to a D. I can not change what has been done. I can not go back and redo anything.

I do not know what my future holds. I do not know where I will go from here. I know one thing, will not give up on my goals and dreams. My entire adult life has been chasing after a dream, sacrificing everything I have to make a better future for steve and I.

Compassion, dedication what does it get you theses days??? Ask me I know…disappointment, resentment and anger.

I sit here on this cold chair watching the nurses go by…i wonder if those 5 exam points would have made me a better nurse? More compassionate nurse? Better skilled? I don’t think so. I know that when I watch my loved one being cared for why I don’t first ask…”what were your grades in nursing school?” I mean should I? When you are about to get an injection of antibiotics that can heal you,do you ask your RN for a transcript of her grades? How about when you are about to die and need emergency care? Do you stop the treatment and ask? No….

Now, if you are asking yourself…”5 exam points…what’s the big deal…” I’ll tell you… I now have to repeate the entire nursing program. Not one class, not one semester…the entire program. I can earn a 1 year certificate and sit for my LPN boards, work in a doctors office or nursing home then apply to a RN program…to join in the 3rd and 4th terms again. Then, sit and take the RN boards…By the time I do that, my classmates will be graduating with their BSN degrees, and I will be about 44 years old ..starting over. So before you sit and judge me, for being angry, bitter, or sad…know that my entire future has been taken from me because of 5 exam points. I do not know if I have the strength left to fight another day…My fight song may have ended.

I will continue to smile each day, but know that on the inside, I will forever be reminded of my failure of 5 exam points.