The ride

Today I will take a ride. Today I will pack my car, pile in and drive. I will smile, and laugh. I will wear a mask that will not betray one feeling of sadness, one flicker of fear. Today, I will pull every fiber of my being together to show strength and bravery. That is what is needed today. 

I have not been looking forward to today. I have been trying toput today off. Each day I say…”one more week” “one more day…” Each of the days come and yet another excuse fills my mind. Another task fills my calendar. Now looking at the boxes filled on my pages I realize I have no more wiggle room left. Knowing that it’s is going to be ok. Knowing that this really is the last time this will be necessary. I have played it out more than a hundred times in my head, senecio after senecio to not let him go. How can I bring them home? How can I make it work? How can I balance the delicate scale? Can I juggle just one more ball? Each senecio ends the same. In good faith, love and sanity can’t bring them home just yet. 
This is the final stretch. I have said the words before, I have been in this situation and fate stepped in my path to say “Nope!” This time is different, I know, I can feel with every fiber of my being that this time is “MY” time to shine. This time I will prove to those who matter that I am worth the gamble. I will achieve my goal. During a situation that recently occurred, I was shown a glimpse of the future that I want. I stood with those who whom I look to for support, advice and most of all I stood along side  those that I want to an equal too. I will use this as my motivational push for this last hill I am about to climb. 

I know that I can climb this flat, vertical, surface. I do not see any hand holds, I see no ladder. I just have to have the faith that they are hiding in plain sight ready to help when I need them. 

I am physically hurting each day, but I push through. I am angry that my dreams, goals, and timeline was pushed back. I also know that it simply was not my time. I had a bigger purpose, I had another job during the past 6 months. I did it with pride, love, compassion and the knowledge that I would not (looking back now) choose a different path. 

I choose to look at each positive bit of the day. That has been tested a few times -!; sadly I have given in to the negative thoughts. I then stop, take a breath and refocus to “commitment to making a change, and making it a positive one” 


Not long ago a friend said this to me: 

“I always think about you and say “if Cheryle could do it and never give up… I can too.”

That made me feel so good. I don’t use my life experiences as excuses. I don’t tell people my story to get sympathy. I tell people my story because I always hope to inspire someone who may not be going through the “same” thing as me, but is simply going through something they feel is going to stop them from achieving their goals. I always feel that we should learn from each other and let people inspire us. 

I would not choose my path for anyone else to take. The hard times, the heartache, sleepless nights,the tears of frustration, the worry, the countless hours of writing, reading and daily planning. The delicate balance of school, work and family. That is what gives me strength to wake up each day and say “ok Cheryle (yes I talk to myself and address myself my name) you can do this! Let’s get moving!” 

After today I will add one more box to my daily todo. It will simply say one word. It is the most powerful word to me. It is the word that will remind me to keep going, remind me ‘it will be ok’. It is the one word that reminds me I am so loved. Finally it’s the one word that reminds me I am not alone. 


Have a great day all…be kind to each other and yourself. 

Life used to be simple 

Life used to be simple. Not so complex than it is now. Thinking back to yesterday, oh how simple it was. Thinking back to the teaching’s of the elders from my past a few phrases and teachings always sit in the forefront of my mind: 

Dedication- it does mean something to some people. 

Honesty- always be truthful, no matter how much it hurts. 

Hard work- do your best, work your hardest it will pay off in the end. 

Be the friend you want someone to be to you. 

Respect- it’s given: it’s rewarded and earned. 

Smile- they can hear it in your voice

Thinking…

I have been thinking over the past few days. I have been thinking about the hate that is being shown. I have been thinking about the Love that is being shown. I have been thinking about the neighbors who are coming together for a cause. I have been thinking about the families who are in mourning. I have been thinking about the families that are worried about their loved ones. I have been thinking about…

What has happened to the US? When did we go back to the divide?

Peace

Sad world to wake to today. The events over the past several weeks weigh heavy on my heart. From violence right here on our soil to the violence in our sister nations. 

I am a thinker. I am open minded. I formulate my onions, after the ought, fact checking, and research. I will always ask questions in a topic I do not know anything about. I will ask you questions on a religion, culture or topic that you are fluent in, not out of ignorance, but because I want to learn. I want to educate myself as best I can. 

I have been called racists, ignorant, stupid, dumb…and a list of others…from strangers who don’t even know me. I was called those things by people who simply were angry because I would not agree with them. 

I have lost several friends over the past two weeks due to the uprising of violence with in the US over what I feel will become the next “civil war” or “race war” that is tearing families, friends and neighbors apart. I have lost several friends over the “gun” debate. I am tiered of losing friends just because we have a difference of opinion. That’s what makes the world go round. Why can’t people just respect difference of opinion without resorting to violence, name calling, shaming and bashing. 

When will people start being the change they want to see…

Sad today…violence does not solve violence…I have such a heavy heart, the events over the past several weeks are wrong. 

If you believe in: 

Raising your voice in protest. I will stand behind you…
Fighting for what you believe. I  will stand behind you! 
Wanting a better world to raise your children. I stand behind you. 
Wanting peace. I will stand behind you.
I will NOT stand behind: Shaming another race or religion.
I will NOT stand behind: Senseless killing of innocent people.
I will NOT stand behind: Ignorance and hate.

My thoughts and prayers are with the Citizens of the United States ??.

My thoughts and prayers are with the citizens of France ??. 

My thoughts and prayers are with the citizens of each respective country that faces daily violence.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. ❤️
I have a heavy heart. I wake today to hear of more senseless killing. I simply have no words. ?

Violence is NOT the answer. 

I am praying for our Country today. 
??????????????????❤️?? 

#CantWeAllJustGetAlong

#Unity

#Peace

#StopTheViolence

Too much..

When life gets to be just too much. How am I supposed to do it all? How can I do it all? How can I put life in the back pocket of my jeans so I can focus on what needs to be focused on? 

I will always do what I need to do. I will always put my best foot forward with a smile on my face even if on the inside I am just sad. 

The true mask a person wears the the face the world see’s. Under the mask you often will find the eyes of a sad soul. 

Struggle

It is the middle of the night for me. I have woken, not in my bed. I am not where I belong. I have woken on the couch. I must have finally fallen asleep sometime very early this morning, for some this is not a big deal. I view this as a big deal, I was too scared to even go into my room last night. Steve braved the night and set traps for our unwanted guest. He must have come into check on me, cover me, and turn the tv off at some point. He always does when I fall asleep out here.

I woke to see the unorganized chaos. I woke to see the clutter from the week that needs to be put in its proper place. I think, Oh let me get my day started…then I remember its the start of my work week. for the next three days, I will be gone more than I am home. I will do it with a smile on my face. I will do it with appreciation in my heart. I will do it with the burn of need and dedication within my soul.

I have come to realize and accept that my life is a constant struggle. I am not the person that things just come super easy. I am not the person that has life fall into place. I am the person that some days I feel that the harder I try, the more struggle I endure.

I have also come to realize that the more struggle that I endure, the harder things are, the more that I push myself. I counter balance with the positive of a situation.

The struggle is real, but so am I.

Have the kind of day that makes your struggle worth the fight.

If its not one thing its another

After being gone for several months recovering from the accident. When I came home I had to battle a slew of critters just to gain access to the house. 
Spiders, Ants, dead lizard….That was just the first day. Then not long after we were home, the resident squirrel who has lived in the big tree in our front yard longer than we have lived here, fell and died in our front yard.
Last night, just at dusk I notice 5 bees’s going into the light fixture on our front porch. Now, Steve is allergic to bee venom, so I spend my night going to get bee killer and spraying every spot I could. I am fearing that they will make a nest under the siding on my house, or get into my walls. 
Tonight, after a day of dental appointments, running around and physical therapy we came home and I made a yummy buffalo chicken dinner. Steve and I are both relaxing, and fall asleep each on our respective perch; Steve in his chair and me on the couch. Now fast forward to about 11:00 pm.  Steve tells me he is going to bed. I said ok, I’ll be in soon.  I then hear a “scream”. I run into the bedroom and find Steve in the bathroom with a broom. I asked him what was wrong and he says “a mouse” I then yell “WHAT? WHERE?” and jump onto our bed, and then see “mickey” run from the bathroom to under our BED!!! I scream again and become a bit hysterical. I can not move. I am frozen. I can’t take anymore. I then run to my front door and stand on the rug looking down, while crying hysterically. 
We ended up having to drive to Glen Burnie to the only 24 hour anything open to buy a ridiculous amount of mouse traps. Glue, snap, old fashion to even a bait trap that I am going to put outside. Steve beat one with a broom. He is my hero! I have given him this job. He has 2 weeks before he goes back to DE for the semester and I can’t handle this… 
I know that it seems silly, and I know that it is more afraid of me. I am not afraid of the mouse, I just do not want it in my house. Happy Birthday to me, I just spend my Birthday money on mouse killer stuff. I even ordered a sonic plug in thing. 
As you know I am a very positive person. but sometimes it’s just too much. I know that in just two weeks I will be the one who will have to deal with this stuff, alone. I consider myself a brave person, I can face many things. I have a very short list of things that I can’t deal with…MICE that are living in my house, uninvited are on that list. 
Growing up we had mice in our house. My brother used to shoot them with his BB gun. They were not in my bedroom. I think I scared Steve just a bit. I did become, a little hysterical for a bit. 
Those that know me, I am very sensitive about my house. We do not have people over. I am not ashamed of where we live or what we have. I have worked very hard to have what I have. When I think about things like ‘Mice’, being in your house. as being “dirty”. I know that we live in the country and it is sorta part of the deal. It just makes me so upset. I look around my house and think… OMG, they could be everywhere They could be under anything…what if they are in my bed? What if they are under my couch? How am I going to feel comfortable? Are they in my office? 
When does it stop? When does life start to settle down for me?

 

Looking for answers…

This passage was written by me on 7-14-2014. I read the words to day and realized that they still ring true today. 

He and I are on the same path, but as I look up and down I see different faces.  

The daily struggle is real, the love we share is unconditional. 

July 14, 2014

so tonight I find myself… looking for a way… looking for a way of understanding…
When you have a ABI (anoxic brain injury) the way you think is different, the new ways you learn are different, your whole way of life is different.. before a ABI, life was simple, you saw a pile of clothes… you think they need to go to the washer, you see dishes… you think they need to be washed… You drive a car and see the car in front of you with break lights on so you “press the petal to stop” all of these minor tasks are simple, take little if any, thought process… until the thought process that we all have is taken away… it could be as simple as minor processes.. but, in the great depth of the brain one “road block” and your world is different…changed forever in one second. Simple tasks, are now over whelming, frustration is the overall emotion… wishing you were back the way you used to be is your everyday “wish upon a star, or birthday wish…” 
To be the one on the other side and see that on the face of the person who means the world to you is torture. The guilt you feel because your own emotions are not in check, and the one person whom you would give your own life for, can no longer handle the overwhelming flood of emotion, anger and frustration, the powerless look, and feelings.. makes life that much harder… 
People make comments “Steve, is fine…” “Cheryle treats Steve like a child…” “there is nothing wrong with him…” “Steve is lazy..” “Cheryle is a bully to him…” these comments and feeling are untrue, hurtful and unkind… 
The daily struggle that Steve and I go through is enough to last some people a lifetime… I treat him like an adult who has a ABI, not a child… I give options, I make him use the thinking abilities he has…. Its not always easy, I know he will make mistakes, I know he will make the wrong choices, but I have to help him relearn in anyway that I can. I have been doing this since day ONE of his injury… When the doctors said he was fine, he could go back to work, he could drive… I knew when he could barley speak his name, that was not true.. I knew when he could no longer hold a fork to eat, this was untrue… I knew when he fell the first time this was not going to be possible again… 
Yes, he has made Leaps and bounds… by my hard work and effort… We did not get the physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy… I did it all myself.. My hands are bound by the ties of financial restraints. I have had one priority since the day of his injury… to keep our home, and our life we have worked so hard over the years to create. By the love, support and very generous people in our lives we have been blessed to help us during the darkest of days, when we were going to loose it all… I do not ask for help often, or very easily…I believe in the power of do unto others as they do unto you… 
where is all this going… well you see, tonight it was a rough night in the Holmes house… I herd the words i never wanted to hear, the words that Steve has held inside for over one year… he said, “I wish i could go back to being normal… brain damage sucks” that statement may sound funny to you, or not so profound… but the words that my husband spoke was like a amputee saying “i wish I had legs again”… we take being able to do daily tasks, or handling situations with out a thought… The fact that he feels he is not “normal” the fact that he is more sensitive to my emotions… hurts me deeply… 
I’m asking you to think… Think before you speak… Think before you act… think if the next time you woke up, and you could not remember things, you could not walk with out falling, you could not follow a conversation, you never got the punch line of another joke… Think about that…. There is a person you know, or you may not know… who has suffered aABI  and all of those things apply to them… 
Now think about the loved ones who care for them, the wives, daughters, sons, husbands… think about your actions and harsh words… to walk one day in the life of that person…you may not make one step. The laundry does not always get done, the dishes will be piled, the house will not always be in order.
When you see a person who is pushing, pushing, pushing… still finding time for others, helping other, coordinating parties, picking up extra shifts at work… Think about the next time you say ‘Hey, Jackies Party is Thursday… will you make it?” if the answer is “no, I’m working…” or “ill have to see…” please understand the even though a night out would be wonderful, a night off is just what that person needs… its not always possible… The priorities of life change when you decide to stay committed to your loved one. 
The path that we walk is now more rocky than ever, bigger rocks, deeper streams, and higher hills… Knowing that the view from the top will be worth it… thats why we continue to walk the same path that others in the past have so easily jumped off.. Loved ones, friends and family have all made a choice to stay on the path or jump off when it got too difficult… I’m extremely thankful to those of you who have stayed on the path with us…You will enjoy the view when we are done… too those who jumped off… I don’t hate you, I do feel sorry for you, you see that you have missed out on some of the best, worst and most wonderful times in our lives… if you did jump off our path… don’t expect to be welcomed back very easily, for you don’t get to celebrate the view from the top, if you did not put the effort in to get there. 
Its funny to hear people whom you counted as family, confided in, been through hell and back… how fast they jump ship, and then try to walk back in our lives… he may forget, but I never do… 
My love, my world, my purpose… Steve… To the Stars and Moon and back again… I love you!

Thanks again team!  Be the change you want to see in the world today. 

What can I do except keep going forward. I am so close to the top, just a little bit further and I will be able to see the promise land… Tia

I don’t know if I have the words to express…

Hi Team,

I do not even know how to say what I need to say… The events over the past week have made news all over. Good, Bad, Heartbreaking, Hurtful, and Disappointing…all of it.

Be kind to each other. Be respectful to each other. Love one another. This world is full of enough hate…Let’s be the change we all want to see.

Stop the killing, Stop the Hating.

Go with peace

Monday Morning Quarterback….

It’s easy to be a Monday morning quarterback when you were not the one in the game, making the play with 15 seconds left on the clock. Pass, throw, Hail Mary or take a knee? No matter what you choose someone is going to be mad, upset, hurt, or happy. 
Think about that before you judge someone else’s decision. We all have to go through life making choices. Right, wrong or indifferent to how you feel. The person who is making the choice is the only one who really knows why they chose that at that time. The choice may have cost someone their life. The choice may have cost more than you could ever know. 
We live in a society of “quick to judge”, “fast to make a decision, because we think it’s what’s best…”. How about we become a society like we pretend to teach our children. 

“Don’t judge someone you don’t know”, “be kind to each other”, “beauty is skin deep”, “size does not matter”, “your free to love who you want..”…
You get my point. Let’s be a society who care and support each other’s decisions even if they don’t “line up” with what we necessarily believe…you just might surprise yourself… Love each other, be kind, and make someone else’s day today. 
 ❤️