Bitter sweet…

 

 

 

 

In a few short hours I will awake, pack my lunch, pack my bag. I will double and triple check my planner, I will make sure that I am bright eyed and awake.

My day will start with pre-school breakfast celebration with a brand new nursing student. I will be entering my final term and she will be starting her first. I am so very excited because I know that this is my time. 

I know that the next 16 weeks will be hard but I also know that I am ready. I am ready to shine. I have so many people who are supporting me, cheering for me, and backing me up. I can’t thank them enough. 

Steve and I have decided, well more me have decided that I am ready to add another mouth to our little family. I am looking for a new kitten. I know that they find us and we don’t find them. Finding the right fit for us, will be easy. I know that I can never replace BamBam. He was a one of a kind, he saved me just as much as I saved him. Now, it’s time for more saving for both of us. 

 

Team…I bit you a good night. Stay positive, Stay Happy… Be kind to each other and yourself… C

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding the right words…

I find myself looking for the right words to say today… I find myself searching my inner soul, reading the fine print of text that runs through my being like a never ending novel. Looking for the words that will make it better. Looking for the words that will ease the pain and the hurt. I find myself looking for the super glue that makes me super. The inner bond that I have within myself that I have had to rely on so many times in the past.

I have told you the story of my accident. I have told you about Steve. I have opened up to the world a very personal side of me, during a most vulnerable time in my life. I was physically broken and emotionally broken. I did not do this to seek “pity”. I did not do this to have anyone look down on me and say… “Poor Cheryle, that girl can not catch a break”. Nope, I did this because I needed to heal and put myself back together. I have never used my journey no matter how hard it has been as an excuse. That will never change about me.

I guess I have not told of another important time in my life that has shaped the person that you see today. The person, that inspires people not to give up’ the person who looks for the silver lining in each gray cloud, the person who will try to make each situation positive. I am often asked how do I stay so positive? How do I stay so strong? I stay so positive, and I stay strong because I have no other choice.

A few times in my life I have been broken on an emotional level that required me to dig down deep within my soul to find the superglue that holds my being together.  In my mind’s eye, I envision a little bottle of glue, the strongest super glue ever made. This glue is what keeps the smile on my face, the warmth in my heart, and the passion that keeps me going. It’s no secret that I have always been given the harder lessons. I have always been measured to a higher mark. The times that this happened to me, I lived in a very dark place for a time being. Each time I dug myself into the light, promising each time that I would not allow myself to be put in the dark again. Each time I find the bottle of super glue and piece myself back together, changing, a bit during the process. Building new wisdom, a new sense of self and a different view of the world and the people who live in it.

I have taken the times in my life that this has happened and put them in a catalog. In their own collection of mini-novels that when needed I am able to open and remember not to dwell on the past but to remind myself not to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Sometimes you have to remember the hurt you felt, betrayal, the loss of friendship or loss of love in order to grow.

When we are babies and learning how to navigate the world, we are taught to speak. We are taught how to say words and what they mean. What we are not taught is that the words we speak are a powerful tool. We do not realize that the way we use our words should be chosen very carefully. Words can cut deeper than the sharpest blade, burn hotter than the fastest bullet and kill faster than the quickest assassin. I often say “be kind to each other, and yourself…” When I speak those words I mean it with every fiber of my being. When I say “I want to be the one who inspires someone not to give up…” I mean that with every fiber of my being. When I say, “I am an open book” I mean that, deeply and truly.

I have been put down for the words that I say, by those who simply do not know me, understand me, or who simply have no intention to ever want to know me. I have had to deal with this many times in my life, with people who simply at the end of the day are looking for the biggest kid on the playground, to beat up to prove themselves to the rest of the class. What the person does not realize that even if they choose me because I show confidence and strength, they are also choosing someone who really cares more about that person than they care about me. They have chosen a person, who is not in this for the “who can I compete against to be awarded the “gold metal”.  I am the person who will go the end of the universe and back for my fellow man. I will go without, and become the sacrificial lamb for the greater good. I am the person who will have your back, even if you don’t realize it.

Now before you ask…”what happened now…” Or “Oh, I know what you are talking about…” Or “hang in there…” “You got this…” I am not looking for any of that. If you know me at all you will know that this blog is a double meaning. The words that I choose very carefully to say here today for my message to the world are for more than just me. I have readers from around the world who visit my page because they say it helps them.

Be kind to yourself and each other….

Sleep

If you were to ask me, what do I cherish the most? I would tell you sleep. Sleep is the one thing that my body craves. Sleep is the high school crush that you just never seem to get the courage to talk to. Sleep is the most wonderful yet scary thing.

the one thing that you can never truly get back once it’s gone… The sleep you miss.

The final leg of my journey.

I have given all that I can give. I have accepted the truth of my situation. I have accepted the new way my body moves, feels, sounds. I have accepted the path that I am now on. I have accepted the view from my window.

I move forward with a smile on my face. I move forward with the knowledge that this time is the time. I move forward with the knowledge that this is the “Do or Die” so to speak time. have accepted the cards that life thrown at me. I will play this had until the very end.

This is my final leg of the race. I have been running a marathon relay race with myself. It really started long ago, but the past 3 years have been the hardest of my race. I have faced obstacles, challanges, and pain. I have faced each roadblock and found a way to keep going. I can not only see the end to this journey but I can feel that this will be the end of my journey. I will be able to finally close this chapter on my life and start a new.

The next two weeks are my last before my term starts again. I have my schedule planned out by the hour of each day from now until then delicately balancing work, study and self. I have prepared myself mentally to start the sprint on August 29th. When I wake up that morning I will start running fast and hard.  I will not look back, I will not look left or right. I will have my head down, my eyes focused on knowing the end is around the corner. I will have my days and nights planned. I will have each hour of my day filled with a task to be completed. I will check off each task, each hour, each day. I know that no matter what I will keep going. When I feel my body, getting weak. When I feel my muscles screaming for oxygen and rest. I will answer the call with “almost done”.

I will hear the cheers of support from all of you as I pass. I will feel the love and support from you along my journey.

I know that this will be it for me.

 

what would you say?

I am loved….some may say ‘spoiled’… Some may say other things…. I say that I am loved. I work hard for the little that I have. I appreciate all that is given to me. I count each blessing that is blessed upon me.

We each walk a path that leads us on our adventure of life. Speed bumps, detours, road closures may find a way on to your path…it’s how you handle each obstacle that makes you the person you are meant to be. Blessing others when you can with wisdom, help, or love is just a small part. Learning to ask for help, accept help and then in-turn help another is another part.

I accept the path that I am on and I will keep moving forward. Learning along the way, and making sure that I am forever changing into the person I should be.

Be kind to yourself and each other…

Here it is::

Q: if you could go back and tell your 16, 18, 21 or 25 year old self a bit of wisdom, piece of advice what would it be?

When you want to give up…

I have been having days that I just feel like the world is closing in on me. I have days that I feel like the darkness is like a never ending down pour of endless blackness. Yet, I still move forward. I smile, even when I don’t want too.  I still think of others even when I don’t want too.  I do my job even when I don’t want too. I even have time to care for others even when I don’t want too. I look for the silver lining in the dark storm clouds. I look for the rainbow after the storm has past. I keep taking each hit to the gut, that feels like a baseball bat, over and over and over… I endure the pain, heartache and the darkness. Yet, I still move forward.

The past week has been particularly hard for me. I have had hit, after hit after hit…I have felt like giving up a few times. I have wanted to crawl into a hole and let the darkness take me. I have wanted to simply give up the fight and say…”WORLD YOU WIN!”

We live in an ugly world and yet I still try to see the good in people. I try to find the small shimmer of light. I believe in doing the right thing, showing respect and earning respect. Looking out for your fellow man, saying “hello” “good morning” and “good bye”. I say that not everyone is looking to “get” you….. I am not so sure about that anymore.

I can not even describe the pain, fear and hurt that I feel. I can not begin to tell you the reasons I feel this way. I just want to give up…

Then, just as I am about to do that someone says to me:

“You inspire me. I wanted to give up so many times, but I think about you. If Cheryle can keep going then I know I can too.”

“It’s because of you, I decided to go back to school. With all you have been through you keep going”

“I read your story. I am amazed at the love that you share with your husband. You two have been through trials and tribulations and still look for anything positive.”

“You’re one of the reasons I’ve been able to be somewhat successful. When shit comes down I know, it’s nothing like what Cheryle deals with and she keeps trucking along”

“You know this will pass and it will all be ok”

“we are here for you”

The people who have said these things to me are family, friends and comments from strangers.  I am thankful to have those people and all of you on my side. So, I know that I have to keep going, fighting, and pushing through each and every day. I have to get up, get dressed, and face the day. The monsters will only win if you let them. I am choosing not to let them win. I may not have much left when the fight is done. I may not be more than a shell of a human by the end of the day, but I will say that I fought bravely and true of heart.

 

The wisdom that I will pass down from this weeks post is this:

Even if you want to throw in the towel, You Can’t.

Even when life is the hardest and you want to give up, You Can’t.

When you have $5.00 left in the bank, you simply need to be happy, that $5.00 will cover a few cups of coffee so you will be warm.

You can never give up, no matter what…Keep following your dreams. Keep reaching for the stars. Keep going after what you want…knowing that one day it will be worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE

i have nothing left to give

i have given all I can

i have given my body to be hurt

i have given my mind to be broken

i have give my money to be paid

i have given my time, that I will never get back

i have given my heart that will never heal

i have nothing left to give

i have nothing left for me