I have been working on updating my page, and I realized when I looked under About me… I had some changes to make. At the time I was merely introducing myself and letting my readers learn a bit about me. That is when I realized one significant difference I needed to make. I have removed the section that needed updating, but I felt that I could not just dismiss it without commenting on it.
THIS IS THE PASSAGE THAT HAS BEEN REMOVED:
For the past few years, my life has been about nursing school. I have lived and breathed nursing school. It consumes my days and nights. My graduation is set for December of 2016. My long term goals are to work as a postpartum nurse. I will attend American Public University for my BSN, and future plans to attain my MSN in nursing education. I have plans to work with organizations on educating the public of all ages on the dangers of driving while intoxicated, driving under the influence and driving while distracted.
My regular readers know that my life took a different path last year. I have posted about my battle with depression. What I do not think that people realize NOT ONE person saw it and STILL does not see it. People see what they want to see.
I guess what I am saying is, be aware of your friends and family. Take a minute to listen, and focus on those you care. Do not assume, just because you see a smile the person is happy. You need to look deeper, does the smile reach their eyes? No? Then its a mask. I know because I have worn a mask for the past two years and only my doctor saw it. I learned to wear it so convincingly that NOT one family member, friend, coworker, classmate, professor or anyone that knew me could tell.
I feel I need to make a statement on nursing school and my failure of it. I do blame one person for my failure in nursing school and losing everything that I had worked so hard to achieve. I have been cautious to not publically name the driver that choose to drink and drive and cause the accident. Her name is Shelby. I do blame her, and her friends who were at the party with her. I think about her each day. I look in the mirror and see how much I have aged because of what I have gone through because of her. I think about her everytime I wake up from a nightmare. I think about her every time I have a panic attack, flashback, or have an uncontrollable reaction to sights, sounds or smells. I think of her each time I have to go to the doctor and pay my copay, knowing that the money I am about to use could be used to pay my electric bill or mortgage. I think of her every time I pull on my compression sock, then my ankle brace, and as I lace it up. I think about her each night when I lay with my leg up and wrapped in ice to reduce the swelling, that I still have almost two years later. I think about her everytime I go outside and see my car, my old car. I think about her each time I look at the milage, and rub the dash and say “Betty old girl…you can do it..”. I think about her everytime I walk on to my job, and I see nurses that I started nursing school with, that have the job I wanted. I think about her every time I see someone from each of my nursing classes which is a successful nurse. I think about her more than anyone knows.
Why? Why do I use so much of my energy thinking about her? I do because I know she is the reason that my life changed, I am angry about it. I can do nothing to change what happened I can only move forward. I just want to move forward and I can’t.