When you want to give up…

I have been having days that I just feel like the world is closing in on me. I have days that I feel like the darkness is like a never ending down pour of endless blackness. Yet, I still move forward. I smile, even when I don’t want too.  I still think of others even when I don’t want too.  I do my job even when I don’t want too. I even have time to care for others even when I don’t want too. I look for the silver lining in the dark storm clouds. I look for the rainbow after the storm has past. I keep taking each hit to the gut, that feels like a baseball bat, over and over and over… I endure the pain, heartache and the darkness. Yet, I still move forward.

The past week has been particularly hard for me. I have had hit, after hit after hit…I have felt like giving up a few times. I have wanted to crawl into a hole and let the darkness take me. I have wanted to simply give up the fight and say…”WORLD YOU WIN!”

We live in an ugly world and yet I still try to see the good in people. I try to find the small shimmer of light. I believe in doing the right thing, showing respect and earning respect. Looking out for your fellow man, saying “hello” “good morning” and “good bye”. I say that not everyone is looking to “get” you….. I am not so sure about that anymore.

I can not even describe the pain, fear and hurt that I feel. I can not begin to tell you the reasons I feel this way. I just want to give up…

Then, just as I am about to do that someone says to me:

“You inspire me. I wanted to give up so many times, but I think about you. If Cheryle can keep going then I know I can too.”

“It’s because of you, I decided to go back to school. With all you have been through you keep going”

“I read your story. I am amazed at the love that you share with your husband. You two have been through trials and tribulations and still look for anything positive.”

“You’re one of the reasons I’ve been able to be somewhat successful. When shit comes down I know, it’s nothing like what Cheryle deals with and she keeps trucking along”

“You know this will pass and it will all be ok”

“we are here for you”

The people who have said these things to me are family, friends and comments from strangers.  I am thankful to have those people and all of you on my side. So, I know that I have to keep going, fighting, and pushing through each and every day. I have to get up, get dressed, and face the day. The monsters will only win if you let them. I am choosing not to let them win. I may not have much left when the fight is done. I may not be more than a shell of a human by the end of the day, but I will say that I fought bravely and true of heart.

 

The wisdom that I will pass down from this weeks post is this:

Even if you want to throw in the towel, You Can’t.

Even when life is the hardest and you want to give up, You Can’t.

When you have $5.00 left in the bank, you simply need to be happy, that $5.00 will cover a few cups of coffee so you will be warm.

You can never give up, no matter what…Keep following your dreams. Keep reaching for the stars. Keep going after what you want…knowing that one day it will be worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE

i have nothing left to give

i have given all I can

i have given my body to be hurt

i have given my mind to be broken

i have give my money to be paid

i have given my time, that I will never get back

i have given my heart that will never heal

i have nothing left to give

i have nothing left for me

The ride

Today I will take a ride. Today I will pack my car, pile in and drive. I will smile, and laugh. I will wear a mask that will not betray one feeling of sadness, one flicker of fear. Today, I will pull every fiber of my being together to show strength and bravery. That is what is needed today. 

I have not been looking forward to today. I have been trying toput today off. Each day I say…”one more week” “one more day…” Each of the days come and yet another excuse fills my mind. Another task fills my calendar. Now looking at the boxes filled on my pages I realize I have no more wiggle room left. Knowing that it’s is going to be ok. Knowing that this really is the last time this will be necessary. I have played it out more than a hundred times in my head, senecio after senecio to not let him go. How can I bring them home? How can I make it work? How can I balance the delicate scale? Can I juggle just one more ball? Each senecio ends the same. In good faith, love and sanity can’t bring them home just yet. 
This is the final stretch. I have said the words before, I have been in this situation and fate stepped in my path to say “Nope!” This time is different, I know, I can feel with every fiber of my being that this time is “MY” time to shine. This time I will prove to those who matter that I am worth the gamble. I will achieve my goal. During a situation that recently occurred, I was shown a glimpse of the future that I want. I stood with those who whom I look to for support, advice and most of all I stood along side  those that I want to an equal too. I will use this as my motivational push for this last hill I am about to climb. 

I know that I can climb this flat, vertical, surface. I do not see any hand holds, I see no ladder. I just have to have the faith that they are hiding in plain sight ready to help when I need them. 

I am physically hurting each day, but I push through. I am angry that my dreams, goals, and timeline was pushed back. I also know that it simply was not my time. I had a bigger purpose, I had another job during the past 6 months. I did it with pride, love, compassion and the knowledge that I would not (looking back now) choose a different path. 

I choose to look at each positive bit of the day. That has been tested a few times -!; sadly I have given in to the negative thoughts. I then stop, take a breath and refocus to “commitment to making a change, and making it a positive one” 


Not long ago a friend said this to me: 

“I always think about you and say “if Cheryle could do it and never give up… I can too.”

That made me feel so good. I don’t use my life experiences as excuses. I don’t tell people my story to get sympathy. I tell people my story because I always hope to inspire someone who may not be going through the “same” thing as me, but is simply going through something they feel is going to stop them from achieving their goals. I always feel that we should learn from each other and let people inspire us. 

I would not choose my path for anyone else to take. The hard times, the heartache, sleepless nights,the tears of frustration, the worry, the countless hours of writing, reading and daily planning. The delicate balance of school, work and family. That is what gives me strength to wake up each day and say “ok Cheryle (yes I talk to myself and address myself my name) you can do this! Let’s get moving!” 

After today I will add one more box to my daily todo. It will simply say one word. It is the most powerful word to me. It is the word that will remind me to keep going, remind me ‘it will be ok’. It is the one word that reminds me I am so loved. Finally it’s the one word that reminds me I am not alone. 


Have a great day all…be kind to each other and yourself. 

Life used to be simple 

Life used to be simple. Not so complex than it is now. Thinking back to yesterday, oh how simple it was. Thinking back to the teaching’s of the elders from my past a few phrases and teachings always sit in the forefront of my mind: 

Dedication- it does mean something to some people. 

Honesty- always be truthful, no matter how much it hurts. 

Hard work- do your best, work your hardest it will pay off in the end. 

Be the friend you want someone to be to you. 

Respect- it’s given: it’s rewarded and earned. 

Smile- they can hear it in your voice

Thinking…

I have been thinking over the past few days. I have been thinking about the hate that is being shown. I have been thinking about the Love that is being shown. I have been thinking about the neighbors who are coming together for a cause. I have been thinking about the families who are in mourning. I have been thinking about the families that are worried about their loved ones. I have been thinking about…

What has happened to the US? When did we go back to the divide?

Peace

Sad world to wake to today. The events over the past several weeks weigh heavy on my heart. From violence right here on our soil to the violence in our sister nations. 

I am a thinker. I am open minded. I formulate my onions, after the ought, fact checking, and research. I will always ask questions in a topic I do not know anything about. I will ask you questions on a religion, culture or topic that you are fluent in, not out of ignorance, but because I want to learn. I want to educate myself as best I can. 

I have been called racists, ignorant, stupid, dumb…and a list of others…from strangers who don’t even know me. I was called those things by people who simply were angry because I would not agree with them. 

I have lost several friends over the past two weeks due to the uprising of violence with in the US over what I feel will become the next “civil war” or “race war” that is tearing families, friends and neighbors apart. I have lost several friends over the “gun” debate. I am tiered of losing friends just because we have a difference of opinion. That’s what makes the world go round. Why can’t people just respect difference of opinion without resorting to violence, name calling, shaming and bashing. 

When will people start being the change they want to see…

Sad today…violence does not solve violence…I have such a heavy heart, the events over the past several weeks are wrong. 

If you believe in: 

Raising your voice in protest. I will stand behind you…
Fighting for what you believe. I  will stand behind you! 
Wanting a better world to raise your children. I stand behind you. 
Wanting peace. I will stand behind you.
I will NOT stand behind: Shaming another race or religion.
I will NOT stand behind: Senseless killing of innocent people.
I will NOT stand behind: Ignorance and hate.

My thoughts and prayers are with the Citizens of the United States ??.

My thoughts and prayers are with the citizens of France ??. 

My thoughts and prayers are with the citizens of each respective country that faces daily violence.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. ❤️
I have a heavy heart. I wake today to hear of more senseless killing. I simply have no words. ?

Violence is NOT the answer. 

I am praying for our Country today. 
??????????????????❤️?? 

#CantWeAllJustGetAlong

#Unity

#Peace

#StopTheViolence

Too much..

When life gets to be just too much. How am I supposed to do it all? How can I do it all? How can I put life in the back pocket of my jeans so I can focus on what needs to be focused on? 

I will always do what I need to do. I will always put my best foot forward with a smile on my face even if on the inside I am just sad. 

The true mask a person wears the the face the world see’s. Under the mask you often will find the eyes of a sad soul. 

Struggle

It is the middle of the night for me. I have woken, not in my bed. I am not where I belong. I have woken on the couch. I must have finally fallen asleep sometime very early this morning, for some this is not a big deal. I view this as a big deal, I was too scared to even go into my room last night. Steve braved the night and set traps for our unwanted guest. He must have come into check on me, cover me, and turn the tv off at some point. He always does when I fall asleep out here.

I woke to see the unorganized chaos. I woke to see the clutter from the week that needs to be put in its proper place. I think, Oh let me get my day started…then I remember its the start of my work week. for the next three days, I will be gone more than I am home. I will do it with a smile on my face. I will do it with appreciation in my heart. I will do it with the burn of need and dedication within my soul.

I have come to realize and accept that my life is a constant struggle. I am not the person that things just come super easy. I am not the person that has life fall into place. I am the person that some days I feel that the harder I try, the more struggle I endure.

I have also come to realize that the more struggle that I endure, the harder things are, the more that I push myself. I counter balance with the positive of a situation.

The struggle is real, but so am I.

Have the kind of day that makes your struggle worth the fight.

If its not one thing its another

After being gone for several months recovering from the accident. When I came home I had to battle a slew of critters just to gain access to the house. 
Spiders, Ants, dead lizard….That was just the first day. Then not long after we were home, the resident squirrel who has lived in the big tree in our front yard longer than we have lived here, fell and died in our front yard.
Last night, just at dusk I notice 5 bees’s going into the light fixture on our front porch. Now, Steve is allergic to bee venom, so I spend my night going to get bee killer and spraying every spot I could. I am fearing that they will make a nest under the siding on my house, or get into my walls. 
Tonight, after a day of dental appointments, running around and physical therapy we came home and I made a yummy buffalo chicken dinner. Steve and I are both relaxing, and fall asleep each on our respective perch; Steve in his chair and me on the couch. Now fast forward to about 11:00 pm.  Steve tells me he is going to bed. I said ok, I’ll be in soon.  I then hear a “scream”. I run into the bedroom and find Steve in the bathroom with a broom. I asked him what was wrong and he says “a mouse” I then yell “WHAT? WHERE?” and jump onto our bed, and then see “mickey” run from the bathroom to under our BED!!! I scream again and become a bit hysterical. I can not move. I am frozen. I can’t take anymore. I then run to my front door and stand on the rug looking down, while crying hysterically. 
We ended up having to drive to Glen Burnie to the only 24 hour anything open to buy a ridiculous amount of mouse traps. Glue, snap, old fashion to even a bait trap that I am going to put outside. Steve beat one with a broom. He is my hero! I have given him this job. He has 2 weeks before he goes back to DE for the semester and I can’t handle this… 
I know that it seems silly, and I know that it is more afraid of me. I am not afraid of the mouse, I just do not want it in my house. Happy Birthday to me, I just spend my Birthday money on mouse killer stuff. I even ordered a sonic plug in thing. 
As you know I am a very positive person. but sometimes it’s just too much. I know that in just two weeks I will be the one who will have to deal with this stuff, alone. I consider myself a brave person, I can face many things. I have a very short list of things that I can’t deal with…MICE that are living in my house, uninvited are on that list. 
Growing up we had mice in our house. My brother used to shoot them with his BB gun. They were not in my bedroom. I think I scared Steve just a bit. I did become, a little hysterical for a bit. 
Those that know me, I am very sensitive about my house. We do not have people over. I am not ashamed of where we live or what we have. I have worked very hard to have what I have. When I think about things like ‘Mice’, being in your house. as being “dirty”. I know that we live in the country and it is sorta part of the deal. It just makes me so upset. I look around my house and think… OMG, they could be everywhere They could be under anything…what if they are in my bed? What if they are under my couch? How am I going to feel comfortable? Are they in my office? 
When does it stop? When does life start to settle down for me?

 

Looking for answers…

This passage was written by me on 7-14-2014. I read the words to day and realized that they still ring true today. 

He and I are on the same path, but as I look up and down I see different faces.  

The daily struggle is real, the love we share is unconditional. 

July 14, 2014

so tonight I find myself… looking for a way… looking for a way of understanding…
When you have a ABI (anoxic brain injury) the way you think is different, the new ways you learn are different, your whole way of life is different.. before a ABI, life was simple, you saw a pile of clothes… you think they need to go to the washer, you see dishes… you think they need to be washed… You drive a car and see the car in front of you with break lights on so you “press the petal to stop” all of these minor tasks are simple, take little if any, thought process… until the thought process that we all have is taken away… it could be as simple as minor processes.. but, in the great depth of the brain one “road block” and your world is different…changed forever in one second. Simple tasks, are now over whelming, frustration is the overall emotion… wishing you were back the way you used to be is your everyday “wish upon a star, or birthday wish…” 
To be the one on the other side and see that on the face of the person who means the world to you is torture. The guilt you feel because your own emotions are not in check, and the one person whom you would give your own life for, can no longer handle the overwhelming flood of emotion, anger and frustration, the powerless look, and feelings.. makes life that much harder… 
People make comments “Steve, is fine…” “Cheryle treats Steve like a child…” “there is nothing wrong with him…” “Steve is lazy..” “Cheryle is a bully to him…” these comments and feeling are untrue, hurtful and unkind… 
The daily struggle that Steve and I go through is enough to last some people a lifetime… I treat him like an adult who has a ABI, not a child… I give options, I make him use the thinking abilities he has…. Its not always easy, I know he will make mistakes, I know he will make the wrong choices, but I have to help him relearn in anyway that I can. I have been doing this since day ONE of his injury… When the doctors said he was fine, he could go back to work, he could drive… I knew when he could barley speak his name, that was not true.. I knew when he could no longer hold a fork to eat, this was untrue… I knew when he fell the first time this was not going to be possible again… 
Yes, he has made Leaps and bounds… by my hard work and effort… We did not get the physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy… I did it all myself.. My hands are bound by the ties of financial restraints. I have had one priority since the day of his injury… to keep our home, and our life we have worked so hard over the years to create. By the love, support and very generous people in our lives we have been blessed to help us during the darkest of days, when we were going to loose it all… I do not ask for help often, or very easily…I believe in the power of do unto others as they do unto you… 
where is all this going… well you see, tonight it was a rough night in the Holmes house… I herd the words i never wanted to hear, the words that Steve has held inside for over one year… he said, “I wish i could go back to being normal… brain damage sucks” that statement may sound funny to you, or not so profound… but the words that my husband spoke was like a amputee saying “i wish I had legs again”… we take being able to do daily tasks, or handling situations with out a thought… The fact that he feels he is not “normal” the fact that he is more sensitive to my emotions… hurts me deeply… 
I’m asking you to think… Think before you speak… Think before you act… think if the next time you woke up, and you could not remember things, you could not walk with out falling, you could not follow a conversation, you never got the punch line of another joke… Think about that…. There is a person you know, or you may not know… who has suffered aABI  and all of those things apply to them… 
Now think about the loved ones who care for them, the wives, daughters, sons, husbands… think about your actions and harsh words… to walk one day in the life of that person…you may not make one step. The laundry does not always get done, the dishes will be piled, the house will not always be in order.
When you see a person who is pushing, pushing, pushing… still finding time for others, helping other, coordinating parties, picking up extra shifts at work… Think about the next time you say ‘Hey, Jackies Party is Thursday… will you make it?” if the answer is “no, I’m working…” or “ill have to see…” please understand the even though a night out would be wonderful, a night off is just what that person needs… its not always possible… The priorities of life change when you decide to stay committed to your loved one. 
The path that we walk is now more rocky than ever, bigger rocks, deeper streams, and higher hills… Knowing that the view from the top will be worth it… thats why we continue to walk the same path that others in the past have so easily jumped off.. Loved ones, friends and family have all made a choice to stay on the path or jump off when it got too difficult… I’m extremely thankful to those of you who have stayed on the path with us…You will enjoy the view when we are done… too those who jumped off… I don’t hate you, I do feel sorry for you, you see that you have missed out on some of the best, worst and most wonderful times in our lives… if you did jump off our path… don’t expect to be welcomed back very easily, for you don’t get to celebrate the view from the top, if you did not put the effort in to get there. 
Its funny to hear people whom you counted as family, confided in, been through hell and back… how fast they jump ship, and then try to walk back in our lives… he may forget, but I never do… 
My love, my world, my purpose… Steve… To the Stars and Moon and back again… I love you!

Thanks again team!  Be the change you want to see in the world today. 

What can I do except keep going forward. I am so close to the top, just a little bit further and I will be able to see the promise land… Tia

I don’t know if I have the words to express…

Hi Team,

I do not even know how to say what I need to say… The events over the past week have made news all over. Good, Bad, Heartbreaking, Hurtful, and Disappointing…all of it.

Be kind to each other. Be respectful to each other. Love one another. This world is full of enough hate…Let’s be the change we all want to see.

Stop the killing, Stop the Hating.

Go with peace

Monday Morning Quarterback….

It’s easy to be a Monday morning quarterback when you were not the one in the game, making the play with 15 seconds left on the clock. Pass, throw, Hail Mary or take a knee? No matter what you choose someone is going to be mad, upset, hurt, or happy. 
Think about that before you judge someone else’s decision. We all have to go through life making choices. Right, wrong or indifferent to how you feel. The person who is making the choice is the only one who really knows why they chose that at that time. The choice may have cost someone their life. The choice may have cost more than you could ever know. 
We live in a society of “quick to judge”, “fast to make a decision, because we think it’s what’s best…”. How about we become a society like we pretend to teach our children. 

“Don’t judge someone you don’t know”, “be kind to each other”, “beauty is skin deep”, “size does not matter”, “your free to love who you want..”…
You get my point. Let’s be a society who care and support each other’s decisions even if they don’t “line up” with what we necessarily believe…you just might surprise yourself… Love each other, be kind, and make someone else’s day today. 
 ❤️

When the Sun shines..

When you walk out in the morning and you see the first bits of sunlight cresting over the horizon. When you see the light that is slipping through the trees as you walk to your car…smile.

When you are pulling in to your driveway after a long day and see the sun slipping back down below the horizon. When the first signs of night start to settle on your yard…smile.

Smile when you look at your calendar and see its full even before the week has begun. Smile when you see the caller ID on your phone from your best friend. Smile when you hear your children laughing and playing together even if you know it will be just 2 minutes more.
Every day that you wake up, SMILE. Be thankful that you woke up. Hug and kiss your significant other, partner or house mate. You never know when your last day could be today.

 

We we walk through life expecting things to happen. We expect good things.  The truth is, life does not happen to us, We happen to life. Good, bad, indifferent. The thing to remember is at the end of the day, what did you learn from it? Did a bad thing happen to you, that at the end of the experience turned into a change in your life you did not expect in a positive way? Did you win an award that turned into a curse?

 

The future feels like a lifetime away, but it comes so fast if you blink you could miss it. Just like a surfer on a wave…ride it til the end and enjoy every second of it!

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Major congratulations to someone who does not like the spot light on her. Some one who would rather give than receive, but gives more than she will ever know. A major accomplishment, for hardwork, dedication and a passion for her profession.  “When you look to the skies tonight, know that he is so proud and is always cheering you on”

 

 

 

Amazing Times

What an amazing past few weeks I have had. I guess to sum up things that have been happening: life is good.

Steve has been home with me for a few weeks. It has been great for both of us. I have been cooking..yes, I said that. Cooking every night. I have been meal planning, and going shopping of the week. I have made some amazing things. I am a 5 ingredient girl or less mind you. I have had only ONE fail.

My Birthday was amazing! Great times and Great company. Steve surprised me with dinner with my two best friends.

In a few weeks I will be starting my self imposed summer study sessions. I will be spending 3-4 hours per day reading, reviewing and preparing for 4th Semester 2.0. Such is life. 🙂 I am happy to be able to be doing it at all.

I have been working day shift at work, for the first time in 7 years. I have gotten to know my dayshift coworkers so much better. I have really enjoyed it. It has given me a new perspective on the way our unit functions. I have missed my nightshift gals so very much. Getting to see them in the morning when I come to work has been great, yet not enough. I have finally gotten used to waking each day about 0400-0430, getting things together and out the door. Its a different life, to be out the house with the morning sun and back home with the afternoon sun. What a different life it is. I have been working night shift since I came to the hospital. I love it. I have nights that I am “kicking and screaming” to leave my house, but its nothing to do with what I do, who I work with, or what I do. More that I wanted one more hour to stay home.

Since Steve has been home, I have been working dayshift we have fallen into a routine that is nice and comfortable. I am going to have to readjust in a few weeks to being alone again, and to burning the candle at both ends.  I will be able to do it. I will need support, understanding and patients more than ever. Steve will also, be going through an adjustment during that time. He will need real friends more than ever, while he is back in DE.

HEALTH UPDATE:

I see the orthopedic tomorrow for my 90 check up. I am crossing fingers that I get the all clear to return to regular duties. That way I can turn my paper work into school. I will be in PT for another two months to work on strengthening. One step closer to getting my life back.

Ok, so everyone have a great night…. TTYL

 

 

Last post…

Hello Team…

I wanted to post one last post before midnight. You see officially it will be my Birthday. I am turning 39 years old. I will officially be the last grandchild to be 39 Forever.

I am happy to be able to be celebrating my Birthday after what has happen to me over the past almost 5 months. 

Thank you all again for your support and Love!!

When it’s all just too much

Hello Team!!!!

Its been a hot minute since I have posted on my blog. This girl has been extremely busy the past few weeks.

Home Sweet Home:

After 4 months of rehabilitation with my parents at the shore house. I was able to finally come home. I was not able to come home until I could perform ADL (Activities of Daily Living) on my own without any help. It took me just days short of the 4 month mark for me to be able to shower without help. I had to be able to cook, clean, dress…I think you get the picture. I also had to make an even bigger step and be able to drive without someone else in the car with me. That meant that I had to get my anxiety under control, and a handle on my PTSD. This is a continued work in progress. I have been able to accomplish the goals of “driving” to and from my job to home. I have been able to drive to just a few other places, doctors appointments, and most importantly I attended and drove myself to May AACC 2016 Graduation and Pinning Ceremony for Jessica and my other friends.

My solo driving experience, left me with a little anxiety, some screams and a few laughs.  This was going to be the first time since that day I would be driving home. It took me a longer than normal drive home, but I did it. I was so proud of myself. I had a line of cars behind me on RT 2 southbound abut 3 miles long (I’m very sorry for that day if you were stuck in the traffic) I pulled into my neighborhood, I knew that I could relax soon. I guess thats what I get for thinking anything would be “easy’ or “normal”.

I was not long after that I was hobbling up my front porch to my front door. I was about to unlock my door and stay the night in my own bed. I put down my bad and went to grab the handle of screen door. “oh thats right, that broke off during the blizzard” ok… no problem, “I’ll just add that to the list of “things to get fixed”. Little did I know that list would soon become very long…

The next thing that I noticed was that I now had two guard spiders now living in between my screen door and front door.

  • 2 Aragog sized spiders had decided to guard my house for me while I was gone. How nice of them…NOT!!  So after I screamed like I was being attacked and beat them both with my cane. Now, I had to decided, burn the house or continue into my house. I figured I would first  do a thorough visual inspection  I was able to put the key in the lock and open my door…
  • A colony of ants had decided that my house was good enough for me, it was good enough for them… so after yet another jump, I pushed the door, “ran” well I more limped and hobbled into the house to get the broom, dustpan and spray.
  • As I was dumping and shaking the rug and the ants, I noticed my “cleaning bucket” was filled with rain water, and moving…??? “misquotes, must be…well I can’t be responsible for the Zika virus outbreak in my neighborhood” so I gently went down the 4 steps and around the side of my porch and dumped the bucket of water in the grass…
  • BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM escaped my lips as I almost jumped from my skin, ‘Newt Scamander’ the little lizard that used to live along the side of my house, was DEAD. Newt used to tease the birds and cats around my house by running down the side of my house. Newt always was around when I would be coming in or out in the spring and summer. He never really bothered me as long as he stayed outside.
  • Now, I have battled, spiders, ants, mosquitos, and a dead lizard. Was this really a good idea to come home? Ok, I mean at this point what else could go wrong?
  • After doing a few things, I stood at my door looking at my house, smelling the staleness of it, feeling the loneliness and the overall sadness that my house was. Even my christmas cactus that I have kept alive longer than any other plant I have ever owned, was not looking good.
  • I sat in Steve’s chair, and burst into tears. The wave of emotion came crashing down on me. I was home, but alone. I was here, but alone. I was alive, but alone. I was still broken and alone.

I have had people say to me “oh, no!! What happens now?” Then give the look. I have had people say “you know Cheryle and Steve they just can’t catch a break…” I’ve had people say “why you?” I’ve had people say a lot of things like that to me, about me, and to other people.

I’ve had people say “you should write a book”. I’ve had people say “you should call Ellen, or Steve Harvey or Maury!” I’ve had people tell me to send emails telling our story. I’ve had people say “we should do this…” I’ve had people say…
I always seem to be able look for the bright side of life. I always say things like “I’ll figure it out…” “I’ll find a way to get it done” or

My favorite saying to say to people, “it’s just how things go with us, we’ll be ok eventually” or “I’m alive, steve is alive and that’s all that matters” I always smile and go on about my business.

I did not ask for all the the bad things that have happend to Steve and I. I have not asked for the life experiences that we are having to experience. I did not ask for my husband to have brain damage, and not be the person that he once was. I did not ask for my accident to change my life in such a drastic way. I did not ask for the black cloud that hangs over our heads.

I try to live a honest life. I live within the law, pay taxes, and be a good neighbor to my fellow humans.

I know what your thinking. I know what your going to say. “You did not ask for this” “keep your chin up” “stay positive” “perspective” or “your being a eyore” if your going to say that please save it!!

I have been sitting on an announcement for a little but. I wanted to make sure that I could really do it before I really made the public announcement. I have finally moved back to my home. It is a trial to see if I am able to do everything that I need to do without help. I am driving short distances to and from where I need to go when I am alone. If I have steve with me I will go to a few places other than mandatory work, PT and home. Steve is home with me for a few weeks help me transition to being fully alone again (I’ll explain that in another paragraph).

Being home has been bittersweet to say the least, we are both happy to be home and together but due to  a constant stream of broken AC, missing lawn service, refrigerator that is barely hanging on and the various little projects we are working on to get the house organized.

 

Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day! 
If your child is having breakfast with you…
If your child lives with their other parent…
If your child is the product of another, but you stepped up without a second thought…
If your child is no longer with you but will forever live in your heart…
If your child has fur and four legs…
If your a Mom who has to be both, for what ever the reason. 
The moment that you look into the eyes of your child you feel the spark. The moment you see the first smile on the tiny little face you feel the love in your heart. Hold on to your children. Hold on to the memories even if they were with you for a few hours or a few years. 

Past, present or future the love that you show your child is a special bond that can never be broken. You will always be a dad, for that I honor you today. 
Happy Fathers Day to you! 

Happy June 2016

Happy June Team!

I know it has been a hot long minute since I have posted. I have been a little busy. I will be posting again on a regular basis. If you follow me on FB then you know that I promised a BIG announcement tonight with this post…I will do that I promise.

I also want to take just a minute to acknowledge the 49 lives lost in the Orlando shooting, and the other people who where injured. I would like to offer my deepest sympathy to the families, friends and loved ones who are left behind. I would also like to acknowledge the family who lost their son in the tragic accident at the lake.

Now, a few updates on me:

My recovery has been long and hard. I have worked very hard everyday, pushing myself to the point of exhaustion and pushing myself harder physically and emotionally than I should. I have days that I can do nothing more than lay in bed with ice on my ankle and knee after work. I still am thankful to have my life and the people in it. I will continue to push myself each and everyday until I am fully healed.

I have been working full-time since I went back to work. I am still not able to work “full duty”, but I know that within a week or two I will be cleared to return to patient care. I was asked last week “Do you like doing this?” (meaning working as a secretary again) I wanted to think about my answer before answering. This was my response “I am thankful to be working, and this is good brain work, but I miss patient care. I get to interact with the visitors more now, but I miss really getting to know my patients and caring for them.” I said this with a big smile, and the person looked at me and smiled and said “Good, thats what I want to hear” One of the things that drives me to be a nurse is taking care of people and I miss that part of my job.  I will be back before I know it.  One of the things that drives me to want to work with new mothers and fathers, and take care of tiny humans is because nothing is more important the first few days as a new family. Getting to know the dynamics of different families, seeing the love on the faces of the new parents as they look at the newest addition to the family. One day at a time, I will make it back to where I am suppose to be.

I have been able to officially move back home. It was almost 4 months to the day of my accident that I was able to finally return home. I have had to make a few adjustments, but for the most part I have been able to be fully functioning at home.

Steve came home with me for a few weeks. We have been trying to have some type of normal. It will be short lived, and we will need to readjust to life without each other for the next 6 months but for the last few weeks it has been nice. I have been working dayshift so, that will be another adjustment for me, but I will be ok.

I’m sure that you have figured out that I am driving now. I still have times of anxiety, with being in certain situations but I am determined to move forward.

I am still going to Physical Therapy 2 days a week. I have finally been able to progress to strengthen exercises on my knee and starting on my ankle. I have had to wear my walking boot again while at work for one week, and now i will wear it alternating days. The purpose is to get more of the swelling off my ankle. The delay in treatment, and the misdiagnosis of my ankle and broken let caused me to have a few set backs but I am not letting it slow me down.

I will be getting myself prepared for my final term starting the first week of July. That means that two-three days a week I will be devoting time to studying. I will not be enjoying much fun, sun or time off for the rest of the summer. I will be working, studying, PT or sleeping. 🙂

I am going to starting posting again on a regular basis, on updates, and other topics.

Thank you again to everyone who has helped us over the past 4 months and thank you for those who continue to read my blog…

see you in a few days…

Big day….

I have been a little quiet for the last week or so…I will catch everyone up.

I have been doing very well at PT. I am progressing each week. My therapist, whom I love, told me that he sees improvements each week. I push myself as hard, and it’s paying off.

Today was big, I used the elliptical machine for the first time. I had a small bit of pain but it was something o have not been able to do. 

I used the balance board, not great BUT way better than last week.

work has been a challenge since I am not used to the day being up at 330-345 am, then being to work 6-630 am. I have been managing well and even in days that I feel like I am drowning I seem to find my way to the top again.

I have just one month, just over 4 weeks till they expect me to be 100%. If not then, that will mean more tests, scans and I don’t even want to think what else. I am being optimistic that by the end of June I’ll be closer to my old self again.
I have worked one night shift, then had an afternoon PT appt with no sleep, and after what I have been through…lets just say that I looked bad! I will have a lot of work to do before I’ll be able to pull those 28 plus hour days. I know that I’ll be able to do it. I will need to just recondition myself again.

I think the hardest part in all of this, is remembering just how bad I was hurt. Everything that I went through, and how far I have come.
I went today to say “farewell” to someone who started as a stranger and has become a friend. You know that I have talked about the most amazing car sales man, at suberu in Annapolis? Yup that right, Wayne!!  He sold me BB8, the very car that saved mylife.  He and his family are moving back to California. Thank goodness for social media to stay connected!! A special family!!